Thick as Concrete-Blooded Thieves

I think my collar bone's end is pointier than normal. Hey guess what? Pointier is a word.

See? Weird.

I don't know. Commitments are hard. You know, when you feel like you're committed to something, or at least you know you should be, you feel responsible for something, you should follow through on things. This isn't making any sense.

Dilemma:

Cousin's Farewell VS Church Calling

Why I want to go to the Farewell:

1. It's Brady's farewell, it's kinda a big deal.

2. Road trip in the car with my family.

3. Good food and fun with cousin's/aunts/everyone after church.

4. I love spending time with my family. (Like in the car)

5. I want to be around my family.

6. I think I've been away from my family much much too often as of late.

Why I don't want to go to the Farewell:

1. Have to get up at 6 and drive for 3 hours.

2. Have to leave at 3 and drive for 3 more hours.

Why I want to go to my ward:

1. Jenn is getting confirmed. YESAAAAA!

2. Jodi (RS Secretary, near and dear to my soul) is having her last day at our ward and being released.

3. Ipso Facto, new girl is being called. Most likely.

4. I missed last Sunday due to an adventure I took.

5. I missed the last TWO RS Pres meetings, and one with the Bishop.

6. I'm being visit taught after church.

7. I miss Ashley.

8. I miss Sister Bro.

9. I feel like something big is going to happen tomorrow. I just felt that, right now. So... we'll see. Something big other than all the stuff I just listed.

Why I don't want to go to my ward:

1. The concrete-thick guilt of ditching out on family time.

2. The disappointment of not seeing my cousin speak.

So commitments. I realized I have a very strong tie/commitment to my family. I love them. I love being around them. It makes me sad when I realize I've been neglecting them, how much time I could have spent playing Just Dance II with Dallin, or talking to Macey, or dancing around like mad men with Gavin, or listening to Kody talk about ASU basketball, or MV basketball, or church basketball. Or helping Mom cook or watching football and talking life with Dad. I'm not around nearly enough. So when I pull a bummish teenager move and say I don't want to go (or that I can't) I get slammered (slathered, slammed, and hammered) with the guilt of choosing something else besides my family. Which I realized I hate doing. But I've been doing it so often. And even on break when I should have had so much time to be with them, I didn't, and now.... I miss them. Terribly. And they are all sleeping a few stairs and rooms away. 

How has living at home become so lonely?

Commitments to callings and jobs and responsibilities. I love my calling. So very much do I love it. It's been an enormous blessing in my life, and it has made me become someone closer to the Lynzi that the Lord needs me to be. I love my ward. They are amazing and fun and inspired. Something like Zion. Or as close as a Singles Ward can get. :) Wait, excuse me, Young Single Adult Ward. There's no room for political correctness in this blog. 

Anyway. Tough decision. It's been eating me up so I put it off. And here I realized that I have to stay home. I have to do my calling in this situation, I need to be here. Invisible force compelling me to stay. Something. I don't know. But it hurts because I miss those crazy people I'd be riding 6 hours in the car with. I feel they are already disappointed in me for being away so often. And here I'm doing it again. 

This is a long blog post. And I want to read my book. But I'm a terrible decision maker a lot of the time. I'd like to fix that. Hmmm. Quest. Quiz/test. No, just a journey. To try and become more decisive. To know what I want and then do it. 

AGH hard.