The Final Countdown

I realized something today while I was sitting on the toilet in my Japanese aunt's house.

Ending things isn't really the end of things.

As long as I'm still living, things don't end. (And even, the gospel tells us otherwise :))
What I mean, is, that life is life. I might be living at home, I might be moving into an apartment tomorrow at 10. (AHHHHHHHH!!!!! LESS THAN 12 HOURSSSS!! :D) I might be a junior in high school, I might be a sophomore in college. Things change, but they don't necessarily end.

Let's see if I can explain this better. ....
Maybe I can't.

This is what I get for thinking while sitting on the toilet. Not much time to marinate on ideas. Anyway.

I AM SO EXCITED TO MOVE!!!

It's been soooo weird because it hasn't really hit me yet. I think I've been suppressing my excitement while I'm around everyone I am leaving behind. But now... I'm staying at my aunt and uncles house, with all my life packed away in the back of our suburban. I'm gonna go to sleep, wake up, and drive over there. Ah. Oh man.
What is this feeling. (cue Wicked soundtrack.)

Really I'm just like deering in the headlights.

Battery is low cuz the rents have been using my comp like allll day. :) Gotta love them.
Really.

I love them.

:( :) :? I dunno. The end.

My Winter Song To You

I blogged about ending things once. It really wasn't that long ago, and now I'm coming to the end of something again.

Goodbye, best job I've ever had.

Goodbye, amazing people I never would have met.

Goodbye, opportunity to talk to Rachel on gchat all day long.

But really. I love this job as much as I love my new Pocahontas boots. A lot.

Last night I had a dream that some freaky counselor dude from ASU met with me and was like trying SO HARD to get me to stay. Was almost like threatening me. And I had to defend BYU and my decision to go there. I felt uncomfortable and indignant.

Saying goodbye to ASU will be easier in real life than in that dream. I think I said goodbye to that place the first day I stepped foot on campus.

Saying goodbye to people will be hard. Like my ward. I love those guys. :/

Saying goodbye to my family will be one of the hardest. Either we will all joke and pretend we're happy about it, OR I'll be sobbing. We'll see what really happens when the time comes.

Saying goodbye to mom cooking my food. Ouch. My life. It's hard now.

I've had a few hard things happen to me in my life, i don't think I've ever had to actually DO a hard thing,though. Why would I WANT to do a hard thing? Psychopath self....

Here's what I ate for lunch, surprisingly not a gross thing:

fiber plus. yummmm.

goodbye fiber plus. I ate you all gone.

Saying goodbye in other languages is wonderful, because you don't actually say goodbye.
For instance,

French, Adieu, > "To God" or Au revoir > "To the Next Seeing"

So it's about the equivalent of "Til we meeeeEEEE EEEEET!"

So maybe I'll just say Au revoir to all these things and let it be.
Cuz I've found myself in times of trouble....

Black and Yellow

Everyone knows I am obsessed with weddings. I love to think about that sappy crappy stuff, obsess over it, really. So here is what my obsession has decided to focus on. (It thinks and breathes for itself. Amazing, my wedding obsession.)

mmmmm

For my current dream spring wedding, these would somewhat be the colors. Minus the "baby-ness" of the blue, mine would be more dusty. And, I'd also have grey accents with it. For a more classy touch. Yeah??
I mean, look how happy that bride is! Prolly because her wedding colors are so great.

And then....



OBSESSED!

 Ok. Honestly this is PROBABLY gonna be what I choose, no matter what the season. This has evolved from my deep red and chocolate brown phase, into this. Holy cow, I've never loved colors so much in my life. This is just amazing, AND these colors would look good on any bridesmaid of any skin color. BUT this is totes my favorite so don't take it. K awesome. I feel like an idiot. Whatever.

Ok really, lets gush over that color combo just a little more... WITH A STINKIN YUMMY DESSERT!

aaaaahhhhh

Holy yumfest. PS all these pics are from good ol' google. I have no right to put them here. Alright. On to the next PHOTOOOO (Oh also, these collage photos can be found at another blog that is more wedding crazed than I am, http://www.weddingfanatic.com/southern-charm/ )

What speaks to me about this one is that my house has this same rustic charm. If I were to receptionize myself in my backyard, or anyone's backyard, really, I would maybe think about going this direction. Something speaks to me about the classy casual ness of it all, and once again, we see the yellow and dusty blue shout out here. And sunflowers can't be that expensive, can they?

On to something extremely fantastic. This lady's wedding was featured in Martha Stewart, and man alive, I love her hair and I LOVE her sweet reception dress. TOO AWESOME.

That. Is just beautiful. I find myself, mouth agape, in awe of the beauty radiating from this girl right now.
Her hair is something that I also just adore. Yes.

Like seriously? Never seen a girl so gorgeous. Go here to see it all > http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/photogallery/devon-and-dan

Sorry for the ranting and raving, I just have no other words to describe this strange fascination other than OBSESSED. I am obsessed. And I love it.

One last...

Something so snazzy, so charming, so subtle about the grey and yellow. Yes please.

Man I can't wait. :D

Despicable Me

I just read an article about being vulnerable and showing people who you are, and how it can enrich your life.

HA! I laughed at that! I just read it and thought, yep. I know all of this.

Because I had to make a decision years ago about how I was gonna live my life.

When things stress me out, I get rid of them. When I was a little seventh grader I realized "image" stressed me out. And so I made a conscious decision to be O.K. with who I was. And it wasn't something that changed overnight. It took a while. It took determination, branching out, consciously dealing with embarrassment, and a lot of pretending not to care.

The more I put myself out there, landed myself in awkward situations, and swam around in the aftermath, the more comfortable I became in my own pale-white skin. It was a mental exertion, I had to purposely think to myself, yes. My face is getting red right now. Don't run away. Don't be embarrassed about being embarrassed. It's OK. It's funny. Smile.

And then, after months and years and YEARS of practice, I finally found myself really just content. I had finally whittled away all of the pretension that naturally cakes our personalities. It was a raw me, one that everyone could see, and everyone could see right through me. And I was OK with that, so long as I knew my motives were right. I felt, that as long as I knew everything I did was good and right and true to my own personality, I would never have anything to hide from anyone.

Right?

Well, now I am who I am. I know there are people who think I am full of myself. That's OK, because I probably seem that way to them. And who am I to disagree with their perception on the world? And what would I say? "No, I totes am not stuck up, you're stuck up, you big, stuck up idiot!!"
Haha, I think that sometimes people confuse confidence with pride. And I know I am not proud, I am very aware of my faults, the confidence comes from being able to let people see those faults. That's not pride, that's honesty. I can be confident in my faults because I am wanting to improve on them. We run into trouble when we try to justify. Mostly I've had to work on saying "Yes, OK." Instead of, "Yeah I know but..." No justification. Just accept it, let the statement lie as it may, and then work on it. Boom! Easiest recipe to make yourself eat some humble pie. It doesn't always taste the best, but lemme tell you, it's so worth it in the end. It helps to build your confidence muscles. It tones your mental body. It's great.

Cool thing is, is that you never stop working on it. Always there is more to be comfortable with, there is more to fix about yourself. It's a refining process, and the end results, I hear, are perfect.

Watching Airplanes

Every New Year's Eve I get really sad. Something about saying goodbye to a year makes me upset. I mean, who knows how many times I sat and wrote "2010" on papers and things. It's personal, the year I live in. And knowing that there never will be a 2010 ever again makes me sad. It's just gone. I guess I get sad when things are gone.

What about periods of your life? Like actual times, instead of dates, experiences, instead of seconds? The things that can't be quantitively measured. "High school," not as the years 2007-2010, but as the time when I learned I could sing. "College," as the time when I discovered independence, learned to love, made new friends. I realized, that if you measure life by these experiences, you never lose them. 2010 ended, 2011 will, too. But because experiences define who you are, they never really leave you.

I think that's why it's hard to let people go. When they are so much a part of your life for so long, and suddenly their physical presence is taken from you, you are left with the half that haunts, the half that lingers in your brain and in your heart. That's hard to deal with. So how do we?

I know what I do.

Hopefully I would never actually associate with someone who pairs hot pink with red, but this is an accurate, and figurative, representation of what I do.
I kick people out.
Gone.
Boom.
See ya.
Peacey-P.

...It's terrible. I know that this makes me seem like a jerk to people. I know it does. But I'm terrible at holding on to people who are away from me.
And then there was one time that I didn't kick someone out. And that memory literally STUCK in my brain and has subconsciously HAUNTED me ever since.
Most annoying thing ever.
And if they come back, it's just like it used to be. But different. Like coming home and another family has been living in your house. Everything's the same, but it doesn't smell like your house. It smells like DIFFERENT. Not bad. JUST NOT THE SAME.
But what if it smelled like that other family for forever? Would it bug you? Would you hate it?
Would you get used to it?
Would you even start to attribute it to home?

Would you be ok?
Yes, probably. But do you want to?
You have a choice! You have lots of choices!
Lysol, Febreeze, PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN!



mmm apple cinnamon

Or you could leave. Relationships stink like other people's houses sometimes. That's hard to deal with. Especially for me. Because I notice smells. And not like my house smells like the best thing ever, but change is difficult.
Leaving years is difficult. BEING ATTATCHED IS DIFFICULT!
Welcome to real life, Lynz. Yep.

Windows to the Soul

So I wore my retainers to work.

yuck

I tried wearing them last night and I woke up with only the top one in.

....I reached around on my bed and the bottom one was laying on my blanket to my right. Ha. I hate those things, even in my sleep. Once I found both of them on the other side of the room. I had chucked them across the room without remembering it. Not a good thing to do, Lynz.

I want to talk about commitment and confidence today. I want to talk about opinions and how they can change. And I want to talk about loving someone. Let's see if I can keep this concise.

First, look at this.


"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." -Elder Holland
 
But I want to draw your attention away from this applying to my BYU decision. Because enough of that. But there are other things that take commitment in this life. Like, living a righteous life, school work, or maybe deciding to be in a relationship. YES DECIDING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Because this is what happens:
 
Everything is lovey-dovey happy for a while. Statistics say about 3 months. And then, after that, you've started to learn what there is to learn about this person. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and really doubt if you like this person anymore. I'd call it a hump. And if you can get over the hump, you're golden. You come out of the slump hump realizing you really do care about this person and you value their friendship. BUT. If you don't commit to getting through the hump (like lots of people do) you break up and there goes that one, swirling and screaming down the toilet. But too many people just give up and think, oh, I just didn't like this person as much as I thought I did. Alright. PEACE!
And that's sad. Because things can be worked through. If you're finding your relationship coming to that point, take courage. This is the next step in your dating life. Do you think you can love this person? Can you just be sitting next to each other, reading seperate books, and be perfectly content? Can you go grocery shopping together, do you like to dance in the kitchen together, or take bike rides around the neighborhood? Can you sit outside on the sidewalk and talk until 5 in the morning? Well? Can you?
If you don't know the answer, you gotta find out! Do real life things with this person! Go somewhere with them! Problem solve! Live! It's so great! When you get to this point, it really feels amazing. It's comfortable, that's what it is. And this is the time when you learn to love.

Because loving someone is more than just being so so very attracted to them. That's part of it, but there's got to be stability that comes from trusting them to help and be there for you. Also.
Loving someone is dismissing the fact that there may be another better for you.
I've been trying to refine that quote, because it came from my own head! Believe that!
But when you hit the hump, don't look for other options until you've just tried your hardest to make it work. If you ever felt you loved them then, you probably still do. But you're dealing with growing pains, and everyone does. Don't dismay!

Also. Last thing cuz I know this is long.
I had a couple of experiences that struck me, and were impossible to describe. And for me, that's unheard of. I can explain almost anything. But not this. I was trying to explain the feeling I got when I locked eyes with a certain someone. (Name undisclosed for the time being) Then I was talking to Macey. And finally I struck something. And I think it's an insight into what love is.
"It's almost like looking at myself.  I see my own eyes and know exactly what is going on behind them."
Weird.

So I don't know, I only have limited experience with this stuff. But man, it's been a ride. Lemme tell ya.

Crunch Wrap Supreme This Up

Time to finalize the thing that has driven this blog for quite some time.

I will be attending BYU Provo come Fall 2011. Really. Truly. I got rid of my financial aid to ASU. I dropped all my classes. It's official. It's scary. It's THE BEST.

I really had the hardest time of my life making that decision. And for the last time I had to realize that it was my choice, and I would be supported no matter what I chose. So I looked at my life, looked at my goals, looked at what I wanted, and saw I was done with mediocre, done with 2nd best. And in my mind, that's what I had settled for. So here it is and here am I.

This is me

Cool, huh? I realize I probably will have no school spirit whatsoever. Or maybe only a little. I realized durning high school it hurts too much to care about sports because I get really competitive if I even care a little. But that might change when I first step into the Cougs Stadium. So chill.

Also. Oh, never mind. I don't have anything interesting to say. Woot!

In Love

If I could be more in love with this song, I would.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcLUYr2nkCc

Honestly? I'm obsessed. But that's not the song for today. We're going a little pop-y. Sorry. No. Not sorry. Just love it.

Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

19

I decided I will post a song for every day I blog. Two seperate posts. I'm becoming blog-literate. No. Wrong word. I'm becoming... blog active. yep. Active.
Today's song is

23 by Arizona's very own Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Also I have an iGoogle page that I'm on all day at work, and I have a gadget that gives me quotes. I like this one a bunch.

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."

-Isaac Asimov