I met someone today.
And I have to tell you that I've lied to you just now. I've actually known him for a while, but today we spent an hour outside the Clyde, just talking. And I think he actually changed my life. He truly, actually did. Here's the story:
Physical Science is not the most interesting class in the world. I think it could be, if I paid attention and decided to believe all the watered-down nonsense they try to sell us. But I don't, so it's not. I sit by a friend from high school every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I also "people watch" every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. One day, I pointed to a guy across the lecture hall.
"You see that guy over there? Leaning forward? Army green jacket and a cool hair cut?"
"Yeah?"
"That's Timothy."
Tim is in my Physical Science Lab every Wednesday. I would see him there, watch him interact with people. I came to know him even before I ever opened my mouth to speak to him. I knew the basics: Lived in Germany, had a cool accent, dressed very Euro-stylish... Ok, maybe I didn't KNOW him, know him. But I knew him. Enough to strike up a conversation with him one day when I was feeling extra friendly on the way out of lab.
Right here, I'd like to put in some dialogue. But I honestly can't remember what I said to him. I remember we talked about our tests, how we did, about clothes, and then he asked me if I'd like to join him for dinner before I went to my work shift.
Dinner.
We talked about the language differences, and how "dinner" was the English "lunch." And I bought some fry bread from the Native Americans, and he bought a sandwich from the Bookstore. We sat and talked and ate. Boom. Friendship established.
Then I invited him to sit by me and high school friend Becca during lecture. He agreed.
He's been sitting by us ever since.
Today was a normal day. I stayed at school after dance class so I am all nappy and whatever for the rest of the day. I kind of like it that way. Not trying to be anything, not trying to look nice. I'm just comfortable being comfortable.
Neither Tim nor I had a class after Physical Science. Becca talked for a little while then had to go to class. So Tim and I stood there, talking on the sidewalk. And really, it was weird at first. It's weird because it's the first time you break the acquaintance barrier. It's the time you step through, "Hey, how are you?" into, well, the conversation I had with him.
And I'm not going to give a dialogue, or any super specific details. I just have to say that now I want to try to cook with Lavender. He inspired me. That's the word! He changed my life. People don't do that to me often. So this is why he is noteworthy.
I had forgotten what I wanted to do. I had forgotten that I had goals beyond just getting to BYU. More, even, than just auditioning for the Music Dance Theatre program, but maybe even auditioning again, even if it meant I was in school for 7 years. Or going to France to teach French children English. Talking to him reminded me how rich I want my life to be, full of people and experiences that actually mean something. Full of chocolate with sea salt and chili powder, full of weird necklaces and boots, and hair styles that make me happy. Life isn't just for living, it's for going outside of yourself to find things you never even realized existed; in the world, and about yourself. Life is for meeting Tim, who inspires you to be the person you always thought you were.
I came to BYU and lost myself in the drudgery of trying to balance school with social life. Filling my time with the meaningless antics of Facebook-users and silly things that aren't going to matter in ten years, ten months, or even ten days from now. It's amazing what life looks like outside of a computer screen. But that's not what this is about. This is about Tim, and how he'll never truly know how he renewed my sense of self and purpose. Trying to write it almost steals the magic away from my inspiration. But either way, it's overcast and I am happy.
I think I really met Tim today. And he reintroduced me to myself.
And I don't think I could thank him enough.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
SO MUCH Love In You
Shame.
When you know you haven't done something you were supposed to do.
Like blog once a week about helping people.
Oops?
No, not oops. I purposefully forgot about it. In Psychology they tell you about this problem where people, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, PURPOSEFULLY, forget the things they don't want to do. There's a name for it but I really can't remember right now ANYWAY
I think that going away to college was the most normal thing I could have possibly done. And everyone is always like, "I learned SO MUCH when I moved away" blah blah blah.
Sad day: it's true.
But it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I would hear people say that and I would think, Oh. That's because they didn't know how to do laundry before they left their house. Ha.
And for some people, that's true.
But maybe what they're really talking about is how they learned SO MUCH that they aren't invincible. Or that they do actually need people in their lives. Or that maybe they are more desperate for a relationship than they originally had thought. Or that everyone is really on the same playing field, spiritually, even if we have different positions on that field. And how you can get brought down so easily, and life can bite you on your ear and make you sore in places you didn't even know existed.
College has taught me SO MUCH. And now I'm just like everybody else because I've learned SO MUCH.
Blah blah.
So helping people. That's where you learn how nothing you are.
This post is a LITTLE BIT sounding like I have no self-esteem. That's not the case at all. I just have been metaphorically slammed in the face with a huge dose of HUMBLE STINKIN PIE.
And now I'm swimming in the filling. Like, how do you get out of this stuff?
Really, though. How do you start feeling on top 'o da world again? Because right now I just feel like,
"La dee da. College is kicking my trash. I thought everything was dandy but only some things are dandy. Woo hooooooo."
I almost feel like I should delete half of this post. No I won't. Here's how life really is for me right now:
I love my family
I love my school
I love my life choices
I love my boots that I bought this week
I love my friends
Especially my Ashley
I love puppies
I love pumpkin pie
I love food
Especially potatoes
I love my roommates
I love that Amber and Rachel are my newest best friends
I love that Rachel Schlappi is engaged (HOLLER-LUJAH)
I love that Becca Hitchcock is engaged (HOLLER ALSO)
I love that I am a part of the newly-thought-of Face-to-Facebook (copyright Rachel Weiler)
I love that as soon as I started doing this, a bunch of things came to mind.
I love my life. It loves me. Sometimes it shows it in weird ways, but I know it does. We make a great team, my life and I. And really, college has taught me SO MUCH.
When you know you haven't done something you were supposed to do.
Like blog once a week about helping people.
Oops?
No, not oops. I purposefully forgot about it. In Psychology they tell you about this problem where people, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, PURPOSEFULLY, forget the things they don't want to do. There's a name for it but I really can't remember right now ANYWAY
I think that going away to college was the most normal thing I could have possibly done. And everyone is always like, "I learned SO MUCH when I moved away" blah blah blah.
Sad day: it's true.
But it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I would hear people say that and I would think, Oh. That's because they didn't know how to do laundry before they left their house. Ha.
And for some people, that's true.
But maybe what they're really talking about is how they learned SO MUCH that they aren't invincible. Or that they do actually need people in their lives. Or that maybe they are more desperate for a relationship than they originally had thought. Or that everyone is really on the same playing field, spiritually, even if we have different positions on that field. And how you can get brought down so easily, and life can bite you on your ear and make you sore in places you didn't even know existed.
College has taught me SO MUCH. And now I'm just like everybody else because I've learned SO MUCH.
Blah blah.
So helping people. That's where you learn how nothing you are.
This post is a LITTLE BIT sounding like I have no self-esteem. That's not the case at all. I just have been metaphorically slammed in the face with a huge dose of HUMBLE STINKIN PIE.
And now I'm swimming in the filling. Like, how do you get out of this stuff?
Really, though. How do you start feeling on top 'o da world again? Because right now I just feel like,
"La dee da. College is kicking my trash. I thought everything was dandy but only some things are dandy. Woo hooooooo."
I almost feel like I should delete half of this post. No I won't. Here's how life really is for me right now:
I love my family
I love my school
I love my life choices
I love my boots that I bought this week
I love my friends
Especially my Ashley
I love puppies
I love pumpkin pie
I love food
Especially potatoes
I love my roommates
I love that Amber and Rachel are my newest best friends
I love that Rachel Schlappi is engaged (HOLLER-LUJAH)
I love that Becca Hitchcock is engaged (HOLLER ALSO)
I love that I am a part of the newly-thought-of Face-to-Facebook (copyright Rachel Weiler)
I love that as soon as I started doing this, a bunch of things came to mind.
I love my life. It loves me. Sometimes it shows it in weird ways, but I know it does. We make a great team, my life and I. And really, college has taught me SO MUCH.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
NEW TEST (a ment)
So for New Testament class here at BYU (yay!!!!) part of my semester-long project is that I am supposed to blog about the opportunities I've had to help people throughout the week. (Note: I structured this project myself. So I have to listen to church music in the mornings as I get ready as part of it, and the other part is learning to follow promptings and looking to find ways to help people. Then I'll blog once a week about it.)
Last week I forgot to blog. Here is that one:
I learned that I am bad at this. I learned that if I don't keep up a constant mental effort to look for opportunities to help, I'll miss them. This week I felt like a failure because I didn't think I did anything. But towards the end of it, I realized that I was able to help out a friend that was going through some hard times just by discussing things with her. It's amazing how much you can start to love someone when you connect on a spiritual level.
This weeks:
Once again, I felt like I came up short. But I'm realizing offering your company to a friend is giving of your time (and sometimes your sleep). And that counts. I'm starting to see that it's about the interaction. The time spent listening and conversing sometimes is the best thing you could do for someone. I realized I smile at people, I make people laugh, and I compliment them. That comes naturally, but maybe that is service, too, in a small way.
Ok. So now that that's over, today I made fry bread. #yumimissmyfamily. It was delicious and I got to share it with a few of my friends here at the Colony. I realized I love making food and sharing it with people. Chol and I do it a lot, and the inner Scrooge will always rear his head for a second and say NOO! YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY! and then the baker inside of my slaps him and throws him in a Harry Potter closet. Because it's fun to get people together to eat stuff that is filling and yummy. College kids don't eat good food lots of the time, so they always appreciate it. And it makes me feel good.
Hey. Maybe that's another way I helped out this week. Food. I get that from my dad, I think. He loves giving away our food. As a little kid I was always like, NOOO THE ROOTBEER! DONT GIVE THAT TO GRANDPA! But now I see why he did it. We don't have much, but it's just natural to share what we have.
Anyway, that's all for now. My feet are freezing.
Last week I forgot to blog. Here is that one:
I learned that I am bad at this. I learned that if I don't keep up a constant mental effort to look for opportunities to help, I'll miss them. This week I felt like a failure because I didn't think I did anything. But towards the end of it, I realized that I was able to help out a friend that was going through some hard times just by discussing things with her. It's amazing how much you can start to love someone when you connect on a spiritual level.
This weeks:
Once again, I felt like I came up short. But I'm realizing offering your company to a friend is giving of your time (and sometimes your sleep). And that counts. I'm starting to see that it's about the interaction. The time spent listening and conversing sometimes is the best thing you could do for someone. I realized I smile at people, I make people laugh, and I compliment them. That comes naturally, but maybe that is service, too, in a small way.
Ok. So now that that's over, today I made fry bread. #yumimissmyfamily. It was delicious and I got to share it with a few of my friends here at the Colony. I realized I love making food and sharing it with people. Chol and I do it a lot, and the inner Scrooge will always rear his head for a second and say NOO! YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY! and then the baker inside of my slaps him and throws him in a Harry Potter closet. Because it's fun to get people together to eat stuff that is filling and yummy. College kids don't eat good food lots of the time, so they always appreciate it. And it makes me feel good.
Hey. Maybe that's another way I helped out this week. Food. I get that from my dad, I think. He loves giving away our food. As a little kid I was always like, NOOO THE ROOTBEER! DONT GIVE THAT TO GRANDPA! But now I see why he did it. We don't have much, but it's just natural to share what we have.
Anyway, that's all for now. My feet are freezing.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
SUSHI O TABE TA YO
I'M HERE!!!!
and walking out of Yamato with my japanese relatives and my cousin who is going to serve his mish in Sendai, Japan, (spell check that name AND this run-on sentence) IT ACTUALLY FELT COOL OUTSIDE!!! WHAT!?! BRILLIANT!
And I'm so excited. It's just so cool. Literally. Today's high was 97. Eh. That's like 10AM in AZ. It's OK, though, because after eating one of THESE
 |
| (The ones on the left. Raw salmon. Um what?) |
So my room is pretty small. Rach and I are coping, though. Space is limited but brotherly love is not. So we're ok.
And we have some pretty rockin roommates.
So you could say I'm happy.
And you could also say I ATE SOME FLIPPIN SALMON! LITERALLY! STILL FLIPPING THATS HOW RAW IT WAS.
:) I feel accomplished. My tummy feels weird. And the weather feels perfect. A-MEN.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
The Final Countdown
I realized something today while I was sitting on the toilet in my Japanese aunt's house.
Ending things isn't really the end of things.
As long as I'm still living, things don't end. (And even, the gospel tells us otherwise :))
What I mean, is, that life is life. I might be living at home, I might be moving into an apartment tomorrow at 10. (AHHHHHHHH!!!!! LESS THAN 12 HOURSSSS!! :D) I might be a junior in high school, I might be a sophomore in college. Things change, but they don't necessarily end.
Let's see if I can explain this better. ....
Maybe I can't.
This is what I get for thinking while sitting on the toilet. Not much time to marinate on ideas. Anyway.
I AM SO EXCITED TO MOVE!!!
It's been soooo weird because it hasn't really hit me yet. I think I've been suppressing my excitement while I'm around everyone I am leaving behind. But now... I'm staying at my aunt and uncles house, with all my life packed away in the back of our suburban. I'm gonna go to sleep, wake up, and drive over there. Ah. Oh man.
What is this feeling. (cue Wicked soundtrack.)
Really I'm just like deering in the headlights.
Battery is low cuz the rents have been using my comp like allll day. :) Gotta love them.
Really.
I love them.
:( :) :? I dunno. The end.
Ending things isn't really the end of things.
As long as I'm still living, things don't end. (And even, the gospel tells us otherwise :))
What I mean, is, that life is life. I might be living at home, I might be moving into an apartment tomorrow at 10. (AHHHHHHHH!!!!! LESS THAN 12 HOURSSSS!! :D) I might be a junior in high school, I might be a sophomore in college. Things change, but they don't necessarily end.
Let's see if I can explain this better. ....
Maybe I can't.
This is what I get for thinking while sitting on the toilet. Not much time to marinate on ideas. Anyway.
I AM SO EXCITED TO MOVE!!!
It's been soooo weird because it hasn't really hit me yet. I think I've been suppressing my excitement while I'm around everyone I am leaving behind. But now... I'm staying at my aunt and uncles house, with all my life packed away in the back of our suburban. I'm gonna go to sleep, wake up, and drive over there. Ah. Oh man.
What is this feeling. (cue Wicked soundtrack.)
Really I'm just like deering in the headlights.
Battery is low cuz the rents have been using my comp like allll day. :) Gotta love them.
Really.
I love them.
:( :) :? I dunno. The end.
Friday, August 5, 2011
My Winter Song To You
I blogged about ending things once. It really wasn't that long ago, and now I'm coming to the end of something again.
Goodbye, best job I've ever had.
Goodbye, amazing people I never would have met.
Goodbye, opportunity to talk to Rachel on gchat all day long.
But really. I love this job as much as I love my new Pocahontas boots. A lot.
Last night I had a dream that some freaky counselor dude from ASU met with me and was like trying SO HARD to get me to stay. Was almost like threatening me. And I had to defend BYU and my decision to go there. I felt uncomfortable and indignant.
Saying goodbye to ASU will be easier in real life than in that dream. I think I said goodbye to that place the first day I stepped foot on campus.
Saying goodbye to people will be hard. Like my ward. I love those guys. :/
Saying goodbye to my family will be one of the hardest. Either we will all joke and pretend we're happy about it, OR I'll be sobbing. We'll see what really happens when the time comes.
Saying goodbye to mom cooking my food. Ouch. My life. It's hard now.
I've had a few hard things happen to me in my life, i don't think I've ever had to actually DO a hard thing,though. Why would I WANT to do a hard thing? Psychopath self....
Here's what I ate for lunch, surprisingly not a gross thing:
fiber plus. yummmm.
goodbye fiber plus. I ate you all gone.
Saying goodbye in other languages is wonderful, because you don't actually say goodbye.
For instance,
French, Adieu, > "To God" or Au revoir > "To the Next Seeing"
So it's about the equivalent of "Til we meeeeEEEE EEEEET!"
So maybe I'll just say Au revoir to all these things and let it be.
Cuz I've found myself in times of trouble....
Goodbye, best job I've ever had.
Goodbye, amazing people I never would have met.
Goodbye, opportunity to talk to Rachel on gchat all day long.
But really. I love this job as much as I love my new Pocahontas boots. A lot.
Last night I had a dream that some freaky counselor dude from ASU met with me and was like trying SO HARD to get me to stay. Was almost like threatening me. And I had to defend BYU and my decision to go there. I felt uncomfortable and indignant.
Saying goodbye to ASU will be easier in real life than in that dream. I think I said goodbye to that place the first day I stepped foot on campus.
Saying goodbye to people will be hard. Like my ward. I love those guys. :/
Saying goodbye to my family will be one of the hardest. Either we will all joke and pretend we're happy about it, OR I'll be sobbing. We'll see what really happens when the time comes.
Saying goodbye to mom cooking my food. Ouch. My life. It's hard now.
I've had a few hard things happen to me in my life, i don't think I've ever had to actually DO a hard thing,though. Why would I WANT to do a hard thing? Psychopath self....
Here's what I ate for lunch, surprisingly not a gross thing:
goodbye fiber plus. I ate you all gone.
Saying goodbye in other languages is wonderful, because you don't actually say goodbye.
For instance,
French, Adieu, > "To God" or Au revoir > "To the Next Seeing"
So it's about the equivalent of "Til we meeeeEEEE EEEEET!"
So maybe I'll just say Au revoir to all these things and let it be.
Cuz I've found myself in times of trouble....
Monday, August 1, 2011
Black and Yellow
Everyone knows I am obsessed with weddings. I love to think about that sappy crappy stuff, obsess over it, really. So here is what my obsession has decided to focus on. (It thinks and breathes for itself. Amazing, my wedding obsession.)
For my current dream spring wedding, these would somewhat be the colors. Minus the "baby-ness" of the blue, mine would be more dusty. And, I'd also have grey accents with it. For a more classy touch. Yeah??
I mean, look how happy that bride is! Prolly because her wedding colors are so great.
And then....
Ok. Honestly this is PROBABLY gonna be what I choose, no matter what the season. This has evolved from my deep red and chocolate brown phase, into this. Holy cow, I've never loved colors so much in my life. This is just amazing, AND these colors would look good on any bridesmaid of any skin color. BUT this is totes my favorite so don't take it. K awesome. I feel like an idiot. Whatever.
Ok really, lets gush over that color combo just a little more... WITH A STINKIN YUMMY DESSERT!
Holy yumfest. PS all these pics are from good ol' google. I have no right to put them here. Alright. On to the next PHOTOOOO (Oh also, these collage photos can be found at another blog that is more wedding crazed than I am, http://www.weddingfanatic.com/southern-charm/ )
What speaks to me about this one is that my house has this same rustic charm. If I were to receptionize myself in my backyard, or anyone's backyard, really, I would maybe think about going this direction. Something speaks to me about the classy casual ness of it all, and once again, we see the yellow and dusty blue shout out here. And sunflowers can't be that expensive, can they?
On to something extremely fantastic. This lady's wedding was featured in Martha Stewart, and man alive, I love her hair and I LOVE her sweet reception dress. TOO AWESOME.
That. Is just beautiful. I find myself, mouth agape, in awe of the beauty radiating from this girl right now.
Her hair is something that I also just adore. Yes.
Like seriously? Never seen a girl so gorgeous. Go here to see it all > http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/photogallery/devon-and-dan
Sorry for the ranting and raving, I just have no other words to describe this strange fascination other than OBSESSED. I am obsessed. And I love it.
One last...
Something so snazzy, so charming, so subtle about the grey and yellow. Yes please.
Man I can't wait. :D
 |
| mmmmm |
I mean, look how happy that bride is! Prolly because her wedding colors are so great.
And then....
 |
| OBSESSED! |
Ok really, lets gush over that color combo just a little more... WITH A STINKIN YUMMY DESSERT!
aaaaahhhhh
On to something extremely fantastic. This lady's wedding was featured in Martha Stewart, and man alive, I love her hair and I LOVE her sweet reception dress. TOO AWESOME.
Her hair is something that I also just adore. Yes.
Sorry for the ranting and raving, I just have no other words to describe this strange fascination other than OBSESSED. I am obsessed. And I love it.
One last...
Man I can't wait. :D
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Despicable Me
I just read an article about being vulnerable and showing people who you are, and how it can enrich your life.
HA! I laughed at that! I just read it and thought, yep. I know all of this.
Because I had to make a decision years ago about how I was gonna live my life.
When things stress me out, I get rid of them. When I was a little seventh grader I realized "image" stressed me out. And so I made a conscious decision to be O.K. with who I was. And it wasn't something that changed overnight. It took a while. It took determination, branching out, consciously dealing with embarrassment, and a lot of pretending not to care.
The more I put myself out there, landed myself in awkward situations, and swam around in the aftermath, the more comfortable I became in my own pale-white skin. It was a mental exertion, I had to purposely think to myself, yes. My face is getting red right now. Don't run away. Don't be embarrassed about being embarrassed. It's OK. It's funny. Smile.
And then, after months and years and YEARS of practice, I finally found myself really just content. I had finally whittled away all of the pretension that naturally cakes our personalities. It was a raw me, one that everyone could see, and everyone could see right through me. And I was OK with that, so long as I knew my motives were right. I felt, that as long as I knew everything I did was good and right and true to my own personality, I would never have anything to hide from anyone.
Right?
Well, now I am who I am. I know there are people who think I am full of myself. That's OK, because I probably seem that way to them. And who am I to disagree with their perception on the world? And what would I say? "No, I totes am not stuck up, you're stuck up, you big, stuck up idiot!!"
Haha, I think that sometimes people confuse confidence with pride. And I know I am not proud, I am very aware of my faults, the confidence comes from being able to let people see those faults. That's not pride, that's honesty. I can be confident in my faults because I am wanting to improve on them. We run into trouble when we try to justify. Mostly I've had to work on saying "Yes, OK." Instead of, "Yeah I know but..." No justification. Just accept it, let the statement lie as it may, and then work on it. Boom! Easiest recipe to make yourself eat some humble pie. It doesn't always taste the best, but lemme tell you, it's so worth it in the end. It helps to build your confidence muscles. It tones your mental body. It's great.
Cool thing is, is that you never stop working on it. Always there is more to be comfortable with, there is more to fix about yourself. It's a refining process, and the end results, I hear, are perfect.
HA! I laughed at that! I just read it and thought, yep. I know all of this.
Because I had to make a decision years ago about how I was gonna live my life.
When things stress me out, I get rid of them. When I was a little seventh grader I realized "image" stressed me out. And so I made a conscious decision to be O.K. with who I was. And it wasn't something that changed overnight. It took a while. It took determination, branching out, consciously dealing with embarrassment, and a lot of pretending not to care.
The more I put myself out there, landed myself in awkward situations, and swam around in the aftermath, the more comfortable I became in my own pale-white skin. It was a mental exertion, I had to purposely think to myself, yes. My face is getting red right now. Don't run away. Don't be embarrassed about being embarrassed. It's OK. It's funny. Smile.
And then, after months and years and YEARS of practice, I finally found myself really just content. I had finally whittled away all of the pretension that naturally cakes our personalities. It was a raw me, one that everyone could see, and everyone could see right through me. And I was OK with that, so long as I knew my motives were right. I felt, that as long as I knew everything I did was good and right and true to my own personality, I would never have anything to hide from anyone.
Right?
Well, now I am who I am. I know there are people who think I am full of myself. That's OK, because I probably seem that way to them. And who am I to disagree with their perception on the world? And what would I say? "No, I totes am not stuck up, you're stuck up, you big, stuck up idiot!!"
Haha, I think that sometimes people confuse confidence with pride. And I know I am not proud, I am very aware of my faults, the confidence comes from being able to let people see those faults. That's not pride, that's honesty. I can be confident in my faults because I am wanting to improve on them. We run into trouble when we try to justify. Mostly I've had to work on saying "Yes, OK." Instead of, "Yeah I know but..." No justification. Just accept it, let the statement lie as it may, and then work on it. Boom! Easiest recipe to make yourself eat some humble pie. It doesn't always taste the best, but lemme tell you, it's so worth it in the end. It helps to build your confidence muscles. It tones your mental body. It's great.
Cool thing is, is that you never stop working on it. Always there is more to be comfortable with, there is more to fix about yourself. It's a refining process, and the end results, I hear, are perfect.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Watching Airplanes
Every New Year's Eve I get really sad. Something about saying goodbye to a year makes me upset. I mean, who knows how many times I sat and wrote "2010" on papers and things. It's personal, the year I live in. And knowing that there never will be a 2010 ever again makes me sad. It's just gone. I guess I get sad when things are gone.
What about periods of your life? Like actual times, instead of dates, experiences, instead of seconds? The things that can't be quantitively measured. "High school," not as the years 2007-2010, but as the time when I learned I could sing. "College," as the time when I discovered independence, learned to love, made new friends. I realized, that if you measure life by these experiences, you never lose them. 2010 ended, 2011 will, too. But because experiences define who you are, they never really leave you.
I think that's why it's hard to let people go. When they are so much a part of your life for so long, and suddenly their physical presence is taken from you, you are left with the half that haunts, the half that lingers in your brain and in your heart. That's hard to deal with. So how do we?
I know what I do.
Hopefully I would never actually associate with someone who pairs hot pink with red, but this is an accurate, and figurative, representation of what I do.
I kick people out.
Gone.
Boom.
See ya.
Peacey-P.
...It's terrible. I know that this makes me seem like a jerk to people. I know it does. But I'm terrible at holding on to people who are away from me.
And then there was one time that I didn't kick someone out. And that memory literally STUCK in my brain and has subconsciously HAUNTED me ever since.
Most annoying thing ever.
And if they come back, it's just like it used to be. But different. Like coming home and another family has been living in your house. Everything's the same, but it doesn't smell like your house. It smells like DIFFERENT. Not bad. JUST NOT THE SAME.
But what if it smelled like that other family for forever? Would it bug you? Would you hate it?
Would you get used to it?
Would you even start to attribute it to home?
Would you be ok?
Yes, probably. But do you want to?
You have a choice! You have lots of choices!
Lysol, Febreeze, PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN!
Or you could leave. Relationships stink like other people's houses sometimes. That's hard to deal with. Especially for me. Because I notice smells. And not like my house smells like the best thing ever, but change is difficult.
Leaving years is difficult. BEING ATTATCHED IS DIFFICULT!
Welcome to real life, Lynz. Yep.
What about periods of your life? Like actual times, instead of dates, experiences, instead of seconds? The things that can't be quantitively measured. "High school," not as the years 2007-2010, but as the time when I learned I could sing. "College," as the time when I discovered independence, learned to love, made new friends. I realized, that if you measure life by these experiences, you never lose them. 2010 ended, 2011 will, too. But because experiences define who you are, they never really leave you.
I think that's why it's hard to let people go. When they are so much a part of your life for so long, and suddenly their physical presence is taken from you, you are left with the half that haunts, the half that lingers in your brain and in your heart. That's hard to deal with. So how do we?
I know what I do.
I kick people out.
Gone.
Boom.
See ya.
Peacey-P.
...It's terrible. I know that this makes me seem like a jerk to people. I know it does. But I'm terrible at holding on to people who are away from me.
And then there was one time that I didn't kick someone out. And that memory literally STUCK in my brain and has subconsciously HAUNTED me ever since.
Most annoying thing ever.
And if they come back, it's just like it used to be. But different. Like coming home and another family has been living in your house. Everything's the same, but it doesn't smell like your house. It smells like DIFFERENT. Not bad. JUST NOT THE SAME.
But what if it smelled like that other family for forever? Would it bug you? Would you hate it?
Would you get used to it?
Would you even start to attribute it to home?
Would you be ok?
Yes, probably. But do you want to?
You have a choice! You have lots of choices!
Lysol, Febreeze, PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN!
 |
| mmm apple cinnamon |
Leaving years is difficult. BEING ATTATCHED IS DIFFICULT!
Welcome to real life, Lynz. Yep.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Windows to the Soul
So I wore my retainers to work.
I tried wearing them last night and I woke up with only the top one in.
....I reached around on my bed and the bottom one was laying on my blanket to my right. Ha. I hate those things, even in my sleep. Once I found both of them on the other side of the room. I had chucked them across the room without remembering it. Not a good thing to do, Lynz.
I want to talk about commitment and confidence today. I want to talk about opinions and how they can change. And I want to talk about loving someone. Let's see if I can keep this concise.
First, look at this.
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." -Elder Holland
But I want to draw your attention away from this applying to my BYU decision. Because enough of that. But there are other things that take commitment in this life. Like, living a righteous life, school work, or maybe deciding to be in a relationship. YES DECIDING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Because this is what happens:
Everything is lovey-dovey happy for a while. Statistics say about 3 months. And then, after that, you've started to learn what there is to learn about this person. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and really doubt if you like this person anymore. I'd call it a hump. And if you can get over the hump, you're golden. You come out of the slump hump realizing you really do care about this person and you value their friendship. BUT. If you don't commit to getting through the hump (like lots of people do) you break up and there goes that one, swirling and screaming down the toilet. But too many people just give up and think, oh, I just didn't like this person as much as I thought I did. Alright. PEACE!
And that's sad. Because things can be worked through. If you're finding your relationship coming to that point, take courage. This is the next step in your dating life. Do you think you can love this person? Can you just be sitting next to each other, reading seperate books, and be perfectly content? Can you go grocery shopping together, do you like to dance in the kitchen together, or take bike rides around the neighborhood? Can you sit outside on the sidewalk and talk until 5 in the morning? Well? Can you?
If you don't know the answer, you gotta find out! Do real life things with this person! Go somewhere with them! Problem solve! Live! It's so great! When you get to this point, it really feels amazing. It's comfortable, that's what it is. And this is the time when you learn to love.
Because loving someone is more than just being so so very attracted to them. That's part of it, but there's got to be stability that comes from trusting them to help and be there for you. Also.
Loving someone is dismissing the fact that there may be another better for you.
I've been trying to refine that quote, because it came from my own head! Believe that!
But when you hit the hump, don't look for other options until you've just tried your hardest to make it work. If you ever felt you loved them then, you probably still do. But you're dealing with growing pains, and everyone does. Don't dismay!
Also. Last thing cuz I know this is long.
I had a couple of experiences that struck me, and were impossible to describe. And for me, that's unheard of. I can explain almost anything. But not this. I was trying to explain the feeling I got when I locked eyes with a certain someone. (Name undisclosed for the time being) Then I was talking to Macey. And finally I struck something. And I think it's an insight into what love is.
"It's almost like looking at myself. I see my own eyes and know exactly what is going on behind them."
Weird.
So I don't know, I only have limited experience with this stuff. But man, it's been a ride. Lemme tell ya.
 |
| yuck |
....I reached around on my bed and the bottom one was laying on my blanket to my right. Ha. I hate those things, even in my sleep. Once I found both of them on the other side of the room. I had chucked them across the room without remembering it. Not a good thing to do, Lynz.
I want to talk about commitment and confidence today. I want to talk about opinions and how they can change. And I want to talk about loving someone. Let's see if I can keep this concise.
First, look at this.
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." -Elder Holland
But I want to draw your attention away from this applying to my BYU decision. Because enough of that. But there are other things that take commitment in this life. Like, living a righteous life, school work, or maybe deciding to be in a relationship. YES DECIDING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Because this is what happens:
Everything is lovey-dovey happy for a while. Statistics say about 3 months. And then, after that, you've started to learn what there is to learn about this person. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and really doubt if you like this person anymore. I'd call it a hump. And if you can get over the hump, you're golden. You come out of the slump hump realizing you really do care about this person and you value their friendship. BUT. If you don't commit to getting through the hump (like lots of people do) you break up and there goes that one, swirling and screaming down the toilet. But too many people just give up and think, oh, I just didn't like this person as much as I thought I did. Alright. PEACE!
And that's sad. Because things can be worked through. If you're finding your relationship coming to that point, take courage. This is the next step in your dating life. Do you think you can love this person? Can you just be sitting next to each other, reading seperate books, and be perfectly content? Can you go grocery shopping together, do you like to dance in the kitchen together, or take bike rides around the neighborhood? Can you sit outside on the sidewalk and talk until 5 in the morning? Well? Can you?
If you don't know the answer, you gotta find out! Do real life things with this person! Go somewhere with them! Problem solve! Live! It's so great! When you get to this point, it really feels amazing. It's comfortable, that's what it is. And this is the time when you learn to love.
Because loving someone is more than just being so so very attracted to them. That's part of it, but there's got to be stability that comes from trusting them to help and be there for you. Also.
Loving someone is dismissing the fact that there may be another better for you.
I've been trying to refine that quote, because it came from my own head! Believe that!
But when you hit the hump, don't look for other options until you've just tried your hardest to make it work. If you ever felt you loved them then, you probably still do. But you're dealing with growing pains, and everyone does. Don't dismay!
Also. Last thing cuz I know this is long.
I had a couple of experiences that struck me, and were impossible to describe. And for me, that's unheard of. I can explain almost anything. But not this. I was trying to explain the feeling I got when I locked eyes with a certain someone. (Name undisclosed for the time being) Then I was talking to Macey. And finally I struck something. And I think it's an insight into what love is.
"It's almost like looking at myself. I see my own eyes and know exactly what is going on behind them."
Weird.
So I don't know, I only have limited experience with this stuff. But man, it's been a ride. Lemme tell ya.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Crunch Wrap Supreme This Up
Time to finalize the thing that has driven this blog for quite some time.
I will be attending BYU Provo come Fall 2011. Really. Truly. I got rid of my financial aid to ASU. I dropped all my classes. It's official. It's scary. It's THE BEST.
I really had the hardest time of my life making that decision. And for the last time I had to realize that it was my choice, and I would be supported no matter what I chose. So I looked at my life, looked at my goals, looked at what I wanted, and saw I was done with mediocre, done with 2nd best. And in my mind, that's what I had settled for. So here it is and here am I.
I will be attending BYU Provo come Fall 2011. Really. Truly. I got rid of my financial aid to ASU. I dropped all my classes. It's official. It's scary. It's THE BEST.
I really had the hardest time of my life making that decision. And for the last time I had to realize that it was my choice, and I would be supported no matter what I chose. So I looked at my life, looked at my goals, looked at what I wanted, and saw I was done with mediocre, done with 2nd best. And in my mind, that's what I had settled for. So here it is and here am I.
 |
| This is me |
Cool, huh? I realize I probably will have no school spirit whatsoever. Or maybe only a little. I realized durning high school it hurts too much to care about sports because I get really competitive if I even care a little. But that might change when I first step into the Cougs Stadium. So chill.
Also. Oh, never mind. I don't have anything interesting to say. Woot!
In Love
If I could be more in love with this song, I would.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcLUYr2nkCc
Honestly? I'm obsessed. But that's not the song for today. We're going a little pop-y. Sorry. No. Not sorry. Just love it.
Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcLUYr2nkCc
Honestly? I'm obsessed. But that's not the song for today. We're going a little pop-y. Sorry. No. Not sorry. Just love it.
Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
19
I decided I will post a song for every day I blog. Two seperate posts. I'm becoming blog-literate. No. Wrong word. I'm becoming... blog active. yep. Active.
Today's song is
23 by Arizona's very own Jimmy Eat World
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
Also I have an iGoogle page that I'm on all day at work, and I have a gadget that gives me quotes. I like this one a bunch.
Today's song is
23 by Arizona's very own Jimmy Eat World
I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
Also I have an iGoogle page that I'm on all day at work, and I have a gadget that gives me quotes. I like this one a bunch.
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."
-Isaac Asimov
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
ROBSESSION
I'd like to take this time to express how very much I am craving california.
haha, band name.
Anyway. Seriously though, I can't stand it. Rachel and I have been chatting for ours about it the last few days. (Also insert a very grateful THANK YOU to gmail chat for saving our lives)
So here is my longing on paper. Well. Digital paper.
haha, band name.
Anyway. Seriously though, I can't stand it. Rachel and I have been chatting for ours about it the last few days. (Also insert a very grateful THANK YOU to gmail chat for saving our lives)
So here is my longing on paper. Well. Digital paper.
killing me softly
yes yes yes
CALIFORNIA, CALIFORNIA
HERE WE COME!!!!
but not really because well... yeah it's just dreaming out loud. that's what this is. HUGE SIGH!
ayayay
Adelishious
Whats my problem? All I think about is songs, I guess.
"One And Only" -Adele
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.
"One And Only" -Adele
You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go
I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Quiz
Is it bad to blog more than once a day? I feel like it's taboo...
I like this song. Minus the more lude parts of the song. is that even how you spell lude? "loude" no that doesn't look right either. Welp you get my drift.
The Quiz by The Saferide
You look nice alright
And I like the way you nod after everything I say
Like it actually means something to you
And I like your record collection
Townes and Jens with a hint of Rickie Lee
And you've cleaned up the bathroom, made a really nice soup
but a bit too much sci-fi in your shelf with DVD's
But there are things you need to know about me
I'm weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
So I've prepared a quiz for you
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
Is your IQ higher than your neighbours?
And is it very much higher than mine ?
Can you sleep when I grind my teeth?
Do you look away if I slob when I eat?
Will you let me be myself?
Can you at all times wear socks? Because I'm still scared of feet
And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?
Do you talk in the middle of Seinfeld?
Do you read more than two books a month?
Do you get racist or sexist when you've had a few? (LUDE)
Is it fine if I make more money than you?
Have you slept with any people I work with? (LUDE)
Is there anyone you'd rather wish I'd be?
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends?
Are they prettier than me?
And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?
I like it because it's just like when you start a new relationship, you need to know all these things, but mostly it comes down to if you fall, will he pick you up? You know? :)
I like this song. Minus the more lude parts of the song. is that even how you spell lude? "loude" no that doesn't look right either. Welp you get my drift.
The Quiz by The Saferide
You look nice alright
And I like the way you nod after everything I say
Like it actually means something to you
And I like your record collection
Townes and Jens with a hint of Rickie Lee
And you've cleaned up the bathroom, made a really nice soup
but a bit too much sci-fi in your shelf with DVD's
But there are things you need to know about me
I'm weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
So I've prepared a quiz for you
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
Is your IQ higher than your neighbours?
And is it very much higher than mine ?
Can you sleep when I grind my teeth?
Do you look away if I slob when I eat?
Will you let me be myself?
Can you at all times wear socks? Because I'm still scared of feet
And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?
Do you talk in the middle of Seinfeld?
Do you read more than two books a month?
Do you get racist or sexist when you've had a few? (LUDE)
Is it fine if I make more money than you?
Have you slept with any people I work with? (LUDE)
Is there anyone you'd rather wish I'd be?
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends?
Are they prettier than me?
And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?
I like it because it's just like when you start a new relationship, you need to know all these things, but mostly it comes down to if you fall, will he pick you up? You know? :)
Bone To Pick
Alright, I've got something on my mind that is slightly buggin.
Before I posted about how many of my friends were engaged/married, and there was a solid handful. Now I can add much more to the list, and a lot of the girls are closer to my age, it's really cool, exciting even. My good friend Karli posted something on facebook about how many of her own friends had been engaged in the last couple of weeks. I read her post, smiled and agreed that this is crazy! but also awesome. And so I followed the post down and read some of the comments. One was posted by one of my friends from highschool.
"Too many, too soon."
I was offended by that. When people look down upon the LDS culture for getting married quickly, or young, it just pushes my annoyed button. (Located on my left shoulder)
People can get married if they want to! In fact, DO! DO GET MARRIED! And do it with a happy heart and a faithful perspective. If they feel right about it, fine. Let them. Don't look down on them. Because chances are they will raise a more successful family that any nay-sayers will, because they, hopefully, base their life and marriage on the gospel and not their own selfish desires.
I think it's incredibly near-sighted when people base their opinions off of their own small perspective. So what if you are a college student loving the single life and not planning to marry til youre 25,26,27? K cool. Cool for you. But when people are happy together, let them be happy together. Let them marry and make their love official by BEING MARRIED!
It's important, it's special, it's fun, it's hard. Whatever, if you want to, pray about it, do it. It's great, or so I hear.:)
That is all.
Before I posted about how many of my friends were engaged/married, and there was a solid handful. Now I can add much more to the list, and a lot of the girls are closer to my age, it's really cool, exciting even. My good friend Karli posted something on facebook about how many of her own friends had been engaged in the last couple of weeks. I read her post, smiled and agreed that this is crazy! but also awesome. And so I followed the post down and read some of the comments. One was posted by one of my friends from highschool.
"Too many, too soon."
I was offended by that. When people look down upon the LDS culture for getting married quickly, or young, it just pushes my annoyed button. (Located on my left shoulder)
People can get married if they want to! In fact, DO! DO GET MARRIED! And do it with a happy heart and a faithful perspective. If they feel right about it, fine. Let them. Don't look down on them. Because chances are they will raise a more successful family that any nay-sayers will, because they, hopefully, base their life and marriage on the gospel and not their own selfish desires.
I think it's incredibly near-sighted when people base their opinions off of their own small perspective. So what if you are a college student loving the single life and not planning to marry til youre 25,26,27? K cool. Cool for you. But when people are happy together, let them be happy together. Let them marry and make their love official by BEING MARRIED!
It's important, it's special, it's fun, it's hard. Whatever, if you want to, pray about it, do it. It's great, or so I hear.:)
That is all.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Ouais! C'est Magnifique!!
Glee's version of Marry You is stretching it's sticky roots down into the soil of my brain and seeping into my subconscious. Totally obsessed with weddings again. Also I attended an AMAZING reception at Stonebridge Manor last weekend, http://staceykayphotographyblog.com/introducing-rob-hannah-ryan/
and another beautiful one at the Wright House.
So marriage is on the brain. I Googled "Wedding Blogs" and found this one (click the title of the post for the link).
PARIS GIVEAWAY!?!?? WHAT!
Man. If by some miracle I won that thing I would just die. And then come back to life so I could go to Paris. I mean, PARIS!?! Give me a break, I want to go to France so badly.
And on to something else. I made the decision. I'm going. I'm going and I'm going and it's going to be great.
Just fantastic.
So that's gonna be me. It's almost unreal. What? It still hasn't sunk in.
and another beautiful one at the Wright House.
So marriage is on the brain. I Googled "Wedding Blogs" and found this one (click the title of the post for the link).
PARIS GIVEAWAY!?!?? WHAT!
Man. If by some miracle I won that thing I would just die. And then come back to life so I could go to Paris. I mean, PARIS!?! Give me a break, I want to go to France so badly.
And on to something else. I made the decision. I'm going. I'm going and I'm going and it's going to be great.
Just fantastic.
 |
| Raise the BYU roof |
I'm wishing there was some kind of guarantee for the working out of all things. But I guess the surprise is what makes life, life. Sometimes it feels like I'll never catch a break, and then I do. Kinda like the Sandlot scene where the ball just drops into his glove. Such a great feeling. But then you realize what comes next is the scenes with the Beast. The ball goes over the fence. But what is a movie without a little conflict? What is life without a little bit of conflict?
Ah man. Let the good times roll while they do.
I just got a phone call from my boss. Seems like things aren't boding well for me and my coworkers. But now I have until 3PM on Monday to wonder what's going to happen. Isn't that funny? Before I could even post this post, this happens. Ah stomach. Stomach aching.
Cool.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Keane is Lovely
Don't read into this. I just love this song.
"Can't Stop Now"
I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Though I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk
I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Though I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say
That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk
To no one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
"Can't Stop Now"
I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here dithering around
Though I know I said I'd wait around till you need me
But I have to go, I hate to let you down
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk
I noticed tonight that the world has been turning
While I've been stuck here withering away
Though I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind
But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say
That I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cause I'm short on time
I'm lonely
And I'm too tired to talk
To no one back home
I've got troubles of my own
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
And I can't slow down
For no one in town
And I can't stop now
For no one
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
The motion keeps my heart running
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Afraid of Such Great Heights
PROBLEM.
Last post I blogged about THE EXACT SAME TOPIC that has brought me to blogging again.
Help me.
I thought I had made up my mind. I've realized how stinkin' scared out of my brains I am to go to BYU. It's what I want to do, and yet my tummy gets nervous and I feel... seriously just straight up scared. I don't even know how to describe it. I want to know if it's the right decision though, I want to know that my excitement/nervousness is just for this pending adventure, and not because it's the wrong thing to do.
Remember when you were in elementary school and you had to use real home phones to call your friends? If you wanted to play, you had to call up your friend and hope they answered.
But also remember when your friend didn't pick up? You kept calling and calling, never leaving a message, but just calling, and you knew they were home, they should be home, so they should pick up, but they didn't. Remember the frustration? Remember the rejectedness?
"Why won't she answer, Mom?"
Why won't He answer, Mom?
Why do I not feel like I have an answer? I feel like I need a solid answer, and as I am typing, my stomach is cringing in fear that the answer is... no answer.
No answer?!
What does that even mean!? How could I possibly decide this all on my own?
I'm going to miss my family like crazy if I go.
I'm always going to wonder what if if I stay.
I'm gonna be able to do what I love if I go.
I will have extra money if I stay.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO!
*NO DON'T START SINGING THE SONG, THIS IS NO TIME FOR A SONG!
no time for a song. no time for thinking or anything because this is driving me nuts.
Listen. Everything is set up for me if I go to BYU. I took all the right classes this semester, I have some potential job options up there already, I have two places I could stay, and I have people here to help me make my DVD for my audition into the MDT program. I realized I love dancing. I love singing. I love performing.
So what am I waiting for?
What AM I waiting for?
What am I going to lose? A scholarship? Yeah well people pay for college all the time. I can do that.
What else? My family? People move away from their families all the time. I love them, but I can do that.
What ELSE? Security. It's a risk, but it's an adventure. I can do that.
What I need is a solid assurance that the Lord will back me up in this decision. Is it monumental? A little bit. It is a little bit monumental.
Monumental!
MENTAL. AGH! What if I decide to go and I mess everything up at ASU and then the answer is suddenly NO DONT GO.
No. It doesn't work like that. Does it? Even if it does, I have to have faith.
When Macey was in the hospital I had an elephant load of faith. 20 elephant loads of faith.
This faith is different. I am stepping off the side of a cliff and it is scaring me. It would be such a hard and long fall.
But He'll catch me. That I know for sure.
I don't know what will be asked of me. But if I go, no matter what happens, He'll be there to catch me.
He always does, He always will.
Agh life. Yay.
Last post I blogged about THE EXACT SAME TOPIC that has brought me to blogging again.
Help me.
I thought I had made up my mind. I've realized how stinkin' scared out of my brains I am to go to BYU. It's what I want to do, and yet my tummy gets nervous and I feel... seriously just straight up scared. I don't even know how to describe it. I want to know if it's the right decision though, I want to know that my excitement/nervousness is just for this pending adventure, and not because it's the wrong thing to do.
Remember when you were in elementary school and you had to use real home phones to call your friends? If you wanted to play, you had to call up your friend and hope they answered.
But also remember when your friend didn't pick up? You kept calling and calling, never leaving a message, but just calling, and you knew they were home, they should be home, so they should pick up, but they didn't. Remember the frustration? Remember the rejectedness?
"Why won't she answer, Mom?"
Why won't He answer, Mom?
Why do I not feel like I have an answer? I feel like I need a solid answer, and as I am typing, my stomach is cringing in fear that the answer is... no answer.
No answer?!
What does that even mean!? How could I possibly decide this all on my own?
I'm going to miss my family like crazy if I go.
I'm always going to wonder what if if I stay.
I'm gonna be able to do what I love if I go.
I will have extra money if I stay.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO!
*NO DON'T START SINGING THE SONG, THIS IS NO TIME FOR A SONG!
no time for a song. no time for thinking or anything because this is driving me nuts.
Listen. Everything is set up for me if I go to BYU. I took all the right classes this semester, I have some potential job options up there already, I have two places I could stay, and I have people here to help me make my DVD for my audition into the MDT program. I realized I love dancing. I love singing. I love performing.
So what am I waiting for?
What AM I waiting for?
What am I going to lose? A scholarship? Yeah well people pay for college all the time. I can do that.
What else? My family? People move away from their families all the time. I love them, but I can do that.
What ELSE? Security. It's a risk, but it's an adventure. I can do that.
What I need is a solid assurance that the Lord will back me up in this decision. Is it monumental? A little bit. It is a little bit monumental.
Monumental!
MENTAL. AGH! What if I decide to go and I mess everything up at ASU and then the answer is suddenly NO DONT GO.
No. It doesn't work like that. Does it? Even if it does, I have to have faith.
When Macey was in the hospital I had an elephant load of faith. 20 elephant loads of faith.
This faith is different. I am stepping off the side of a cliff and it is scaring me. It would be such a hard and long fall.
But He'll catch me. That I know for sure.
I don't know what will be asked of me. But if I go, no matter what happens, He'll be there to catch me.
He always does, He always will.
Agh life. Yay.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Question Mark?
One of the craziest things about growing up is learning how to make decisions. And being the incredibly opinionated person that I am, you would think I'd be great at making them. But I hate them. Mark Stoker would tell me that "hate is a strong word," and here I'd have to agree. So I don't hate decisions. But as I get older I realize more and more what a burden they are. (Sometimes I pretend to not have opinions or preferences just so I can get out of making decisions.) ((Take going out to eat, for example. Sometimes I'm just so worried that I'll choose something that the other person won't like (((or won't want to pay for, if I'm on a date))) that I just refuse to decide. Because I can make myself enjoy anything, if I try hard enough.))
But some decisions are definitely more important than others. Par example: choosing a major, choosing a school, choosing WHAT THE JUNK MONKEY YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH YOUR DECISION-MAKING LIFE.
Some things people will tell you when they're trying to be helpful are:
Make a list of Pros and Cons!
Why don't you talk to someone who knows about it?
You don't have to make a decision now.
and my favorite...
Why don't you pray about it?
.....
Don't you think that's all I've been doing for the last, I don't know, 4 WEEKS?! Haha, not to be rude, because all of these people mean well. They love me and want me to be happy. And I love me, and I want me to be happy too. But even after employing all these methods, I'm still left utterly confused.
I guess only time will tell. But that is annoying. Joy in the journey. Agh.
PS blogging doesn't help in the process.
But some decisions are definitely more important than others. Par example: choosing a major, choosing a school, choosing WHAT THE JUNK MONKEY YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH YOUR DECISION-MAKING LIFE.
Some things people will tell you when they're trying to be helpful are:
Make a list of Pros and Cons!
Why don't you talk to someone who knows about it?
You don't have to make a decision now.
and my favorite...
Why don't you pray about it?
.....
Don't you think that's all I've been doing for the last, I don't know, 4 WEEKS?! Haha, not to be rude, because all of these people mean well. They love me and want me to be happy. And I love me, and I want me to be happy too. But even after employing all these methods, I'm still left utterly confused.
I guess only time will tell. But that is annoying. Joy in the journey. Agh.
PS blogging doesn't help in the process.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Bust the Windows Outcha Car
Throwing down a big complicated experience into five words:
Weston and I broke up.
But it was alright. It is alright. Because of a myriad of reasons I couldn't possibly explain fully without my famous hand gestures. So it shall sufficeth to say that I am finding myself grown up and somewhat relieved. Feeling confident, like I just bought a really awesome pair of shoes and everyone knows it.
Cool thing though, even though I didn't get a pair of cool shoes.. wait yes I did.
Shoes aside, cool things have been realized since the caput. A lot of them I should keep to myself because of the non-privacy of this blog, but! I realized that I am not "Another Picture to Burn" girl. I'm not gonna "bust the windows outcha car" I'm not gonna tell my girlfriends that my ex is gay. And mostly I'm not really gonna delete my posts with Weston in them off of my blog. Because guess what? When I blogged it, I meant it. That's what I wanted to say then, so I said it. And no matter what happens later, doesn't change what I meant in the past. Even if we're not together. So it may be weird to keep him up there, heaven knows he didn't want to be on this blog in the first place. But the keepage isn't indicating my everlasting attachment to him. I feel like it's the equivalent of keeping pictures of a friend who moved away. You were great friends, but the distance makes it impossible for you to stay that way. But the circumstances now doesn't nullify what was then. So they stay. Just as a kind of reminder of who I was, and who I want to be. The Lynzi who will be blogging 3, 7, 24 months from now.
It's cool to grow up. It hurts and makes you sore sometimes, but the definition is always worth it in the end.
Good times. Always.
Weston and I broke up.
But it was alright. It is alright. Because of a myriad of reasons I couldn't possibly explain fully without my famous hand gestures. So it shall sufficeth to say that I am finding myself grown up and somewhat relieved. Feeling confident, like I just bought a really awesome pair of shoes and everyone knows it.
Cool thing though, even though I didn't get a pair of cool shoes.. wait yes I did.
 |
| Hi-yah! $1.50, baby. |
It's cool to grow up. It hurts and makes you sore sometimes, but the definition is always worth it in the end.
Good times. Always.
Monday, January 24, 2011
I've Got the Bridal Blues (someone make a song out of this)
I am finding myself with too much time between 12:30 and 4:00 PM on mondays. Agh.
So here I am, eating my lunch, upstairs in the institute, hiding out because I need to concentrate and also because there is a horrible mess on my face ( I killed my face. Seriously.) I also brought a half a pack of Saltine Crackers, and I'm looking down and seeing that as much as I try to suck on the cracker, the crumbs still fall. Preschooler eating status.
Anyway. A long time ago (about two years, actually.) I decided I wanted to get married on 11/11/11. Back then (two years ago) that seemed like a reasonable and attainable goal. I could have made it my New Years Resolution for that year and felt good about making that goal.
But now. Oh ho ho now. It's January 24th, 2011 (01/24/11 for all of you who can't read proper English) (("Because I am so proper all the time," she said as she used a double parentheses.)) And I'm looking at the date and BOOM HIT ME IN THE FACE. AGH 11/11/11 is coming in t-minus 11 months! Which means... Lynzi won't be getting married in 11 months. Outlook is dim. Chances are slim. *somethingsomethingmumbleblahblah* Him! three rhymings. So I just was a little sad yesterday because my dream of being married on the most EPIC WISHING DAY EVER will most likely not come true. Never mind the fact that its very much smack dab at the end of the semester when everything is crazy with school. But I thought to myself,
It's perfect! It meets all my necessary criteria!
-It's a Friday
-It has some sort of dately significance
-IT'S AT A TIME WHEN IT'S NOT SO STINKING hot outside (agh kill Arizona for being so hot and preventing me from being married 8 out of the 12 months of the year.)
-yeah that last one is the only criteria I really care about. It being on a Friday was an ultimate bonus.
Then my mom said, "*Psht* Everyone and their dog will be getting married on that day."
And I said, "Well dogs don't get married in the temple so that eliminates half..."
But ah man! My dream has become a shattered stained glass window, remnants lying beautiful and glistening on the floor, and no amount of sparkly wedding glue is gonna put this picture back together again.
Oh well.
So here I am, eating my lunch, upstairs in the institute, hiding out because I need to concentrate and also because there is a horrible mess on my face ( I killed my face. Seriously.) I also brought a half a pack of Saltine Crackers, and I'm looking down and seeing that as much as I try to suck on the cracker, the crumbs still fall. Preschooler eating status.
 |
| So good, but so messy. |
 |
| Yippee! (Imagine she has sleeves) |
But now. Oh ho ho now. It's January 24th, 2011 (01/24/11 for all of you who can't read proper English) (("Because I am so proper all the time," she said as she used a double parentheses.)) And I'm looking at the date and BOOM HIT ME IN THE FACE. AGH 11/11/11 is coming in t-minus 11 months! Which means... Lynzi won't be getting married in 11 months. Outlook is dim. Chances are slim. *somethingsomethingmumbleblahblah* Him! three rhymings. So I just was a little sad yesterday because my dream of being married on the most EPIC WISHING DAY EVER will most likely not come true. Never mind the fact that its very much smack dab at the end of the semester when everything is crazy with school. But I thought to myself,
It's perfect! It meets all my necessary criteria!
-It's a Friday
-It has some sort of dately significance
-IT'S AT A TIME WHEN IT'S NOT SO STINKING hot outside (agh kill Arizona for being so hot and preventing me from being married 8 out of the 12 months of the year.)
-yeah that last one is the only criteria I really care about. It being on a Friday was an ultimate bonus.
Then my mom said, "*Psht* Everyone and their dog will be getting married on that day."
And I said, "Well dogs don't get married in the temple so that eliminates half..."
But ah man! My dream has become a shattered stained glass window, remnants lying beautiful and glistening on the floor, and no amount of sparkly wedding glue is gonna put this picture back together again.
Oh well.
 |
| Gone like a freight train, gone like yesterday |
Monday, January 17, 2011
BOOR-RING
I'm turning into a real blogger. Wow.
Tomorrow is the first "day" of classes, but all of my classes are on Monday/Wednesday/Friday. EXCEPT! for my random dance class I'm taking. EXCITED! kinda. Because who wants to go to ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL for one class?
Why am I doing this?
If it doesn't count for BYU credit I'm dropping. Maybe.
If it doesn't count for credit and I hate it I'm dropping.
I have to be out there for Jester'Z every Tues night anyway. Maybe it's worth it.
But tomorrow is work and I've gotta get up early (6:45. Imma panzywaste), I just felt like I needed to commence this semester with a blog post. Why aren't my posts interesting anymore? I have nothing to rant about. Like my Scorpions Post I did a year and a half ago? Loved it. Super rantish. Maybe having a life again will give me good creative ideas for posts.
Perhaps.
Wish me luck!
Tomorrow is the first "day" of classes, but all of my classes are on Monday/Wednesday/Friday. EXCEPT! for my random dance class I'm taking. EXCITED! kinda. Because who wants to go to ALL THE WAY TO SCHOOL for one class?
Why am I doing this?
If it doesn't count for BYU credit I'm dropping. Maybe.
If it doesn't count for credit and I hate it I'm dropping.
I have to be out there for Jester'Z every Tues night anyway. Maybe it's worth it.
But tomorrow is work and I've gotta get up early (6:45. Imma panzywaste), I just felt like I needed to commence this semester with a blog post. Why aren't my posts interesting anymore? I have nothing to rant about. Like my Scorpions Post I did a year and a half ago? Loved it. Super rantish. Maybe having a life again will give me good creative ideas for posts.
Perhaps.
Wish me luck!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Little Bird Little Bird Little Bird
No one likes to hear about someone they like liking someone else. And also no one likes hearing about some other girl liking the boy that your best friend likes. Or was starting to like. Or was going pottery throwing with him sometime soon. And then you're the one who has to tell her and you feel all sick inside because you know that it's not something you'd ever want to hear if you were on the other end.
"Hey. Did you hear that Male figure 1 is dating female figure 2?"
These words kinda sink as they sit in your stomach and then you say them and they come out as a whisper. Because you don't really want to say them, and you know the friend doesn't want to hear them. And you both don't want it to be true.
So life is weird and everyone is looking out for their own romantical interests. Sometimes we're on the other side of the story, we suddenly find ourselves interested in someone else and don't really feel like telling the other person. And so we create these awkward situations, and always Time finds a way to smooth things over. But in the mean time we're sad and so we talk about it and blog about it and then it feels a little bit better.
The ONLY problem with having a best friend is that now you carry double the sorrows. But also you carry double the happinesses, too.
Worth it.
"Hey. Did you hear that Male figure 1 is dating female figure 2?"
These words kinda sink as they sit in your stomach and then you say them and they come out as a whisper. Because you don't really want to say them, and you know the friend doesn't want to hear them. And you both don't want it to be true.
So life is weird and everyone is looking out for their own romantical interests. Sometimes we're on the other side of the story, we suddenly find ourselves interested in someone else and don't really feel like telling the other person. And so we create these awkward situations, and always Time finds a way to smooth things over. But in the mean time we're sad and so we talk about it and blog about it and then it feels a little bit better.
The ONLY problem with having a best friend is that now you carry double the sorrows. But also you carry double the happinesses, too.
Worth it.
Throat Chokes.
My sister is a miracle sleeping in the room next to me. Because she almost died. She pretty much was dead. I take this for granted because now she's alive and we joke around about that robot machine in her body attached to her heart. But life is fragile and I almost had to spend the rest of my life without her.
What jogged my memory?
This post, by her friend Sarah.
What jogged my memory?
This post, by her friend Sarah.
A little bit of Tim
I tell her I love her about four times a day, and if you know me that isn’t normal. But it’s just that… she’s alive. She’s alive and breathing with a big smile on her face like nothing ever happened.
“Did you hear about Macey?” I hear a voice across the room casually ask another. I stopped – I only knew one Macey in ninth grade – Macey Richardson. Who was, coincidentally, one of my best friends. Confused, I looked around to notice my phone buzzing. It was a text from Riley, the third point of our friendship triangle, “Sarah, do you have Lynzi Richardson’s number?” I started scrolling through my phonebook, “Yeah,” I typed back, my fingers shaking.
All that night I got forwards on my phone “Pray for Macey”, “Pray for Macey”. She had collapsed, Coach Gardner performed CPR, the paramedics had to use an AED to start her heart again, but no one really knew what happened. All we knew was that her ride home from school that day was in an ambulance.
She’ll be fine, I told myself. So I did what I do best – I pushed the chaos to the back of my mind and chose not to deal with it. The next day came and went with distractions, but she was only getting worse. Her lungs had collapsed and filled with fluids and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t want to think about it, so I continued to cling tightly to my small string of vain optimism. She’ll be fine, I insisted, she’ll be fine.
Then I heard the news that broke me. “Sarah, I just talked to Coach Riggs.” A girl on Macey’s track team came up to me with a worried face, “Macey is in a coma. They don’t know what’s wrong.” A… a coma? What? No! That only happens on TV. But as she finished talking the reality sunk in. The image that ended up haunting me for the rest of the week flashed in my mind for the first time. Macey, lying in a hospital bed with tubes all around her - Tiny Macey, Fragile Macey, Shy Macey. My friend who I was always trying to protect was lying there, not alive, but hooked up to a machine with only descending mountain peaks on a screen to keep her heart beating.
I spent the rest of that week in a haze. I would barely start to care about some new story we were reading in English when I’d turn to see the empty desk where Macey should be sitting, and have to leave the room in hopes to compose myself again. Three days passed and we were all loosing hope. That image wouldn’t stop plaguing my mind. Macey in a coma, a cord filling the space between death and life. I thought of a book we read in the fourth grade by Judy Blume, the one called “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret,” and with tears streaming down my cheeks I thought, “Are you there God? It’s me, Sarah.” At church they always told me to say ‘let thy will be done’ when I prayed. But this time I left it out. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Sarah. Don’t let Macey die.” Please, I thought again. Don’t let Macey die.
And He must have listened. Because a few days later she woke up, then after a few tests and surgeries, the doctors figured out what was wrong and she came home. So now she’s here -
Alive.
Breathing.
With a big smile on her face like nothing ever happened.
-----------
I tell her I love her about four times a day.
“Did you hear about Macey?” I hear a voice across the room casually ask another. I stopped – I only knew one Macey in ninth grade – Macey Richardson. Who was, coincidentally, one of my best friends. Confused, I looked around to notice my phone buzzing. It was a text from Riley, the third point of our friendship triangle, “Sarah, do you have Lynzi Richardson’s number?” I started scrolling through my phonebook, “Yeah,” I typed back, my fingers shaking.
All that night I got forwards on my phone “Pray for Macey”, “Pray for Macey”. She had collapsed, Coach Gardner performed CPR, the paramedics had to use an AED to start her heart again, but no one really knew what happened. All we knew was that her ride home from school that day was in an ambulance.
She’ll be fine, I told myself. So I did what I do best – I pushed the chaos to the back of my mind and chose not to deal with it. The next day came and went with distractions, but she was only getting worse. Her lungs had collapsed and filled with fluids and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t want to think about it, so I continued to cling tightly to my small string of vain optimism. She’ll be fine, I insisted, she’ll be fine.
Then I heard the news that broke me. “Sarah, I just talked to Coach Riggs.” A girl on Macey’s track team came up to me with a worried face, “Macey is in a coma. They don’t know what’s wrong.” A… a coma? What? No! That only happens on TV. But as she finished talking the reality sunk in. The image that ended up haunting me for the rest of the week flashed in my mind for the first time. Macey, lying in a hospital bed with tubes all around her - Tiny Macey, Fragile Macey, Shy Macey. My friend who I was always trying to protect was lying there, not alive, but hooked up to a machine with only descending mountain peaks on a screen to keep her heart beating.
I spent the rest of that week in a haze. I would barely start to care about some new story we were reading in English when I’d turn to see the empty desk where Macey should be sitting, and have to leave the room in hopes to compose myself again. Three days passed and we were all loosing hope. That image wouldn’t stop plaguing my mind. Macey in a coma, a cord filling the space between death and life. I thought of a book we read in the fourth grade by Judy Blume, the one called “Are You There, God? It’s Me, Margaret,” and with tears streaming down my cheeks I thought, “Are you there God? It’s me, Sarah.” At church they always told me to say ‘let thy will be done’ when I prayed. But this time I left it out. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Sarah. Don’t let Macey die.” Please, I thought again. Don’t let Macey die.
And He must have listened. Because a few days later she woke up, then after a few tests and surgeries, the doctors figured out what was wrong and she came home. So now she’s here -
Alive.
Breathing.
With a big smile on her face like nothing ever happened.
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I tell her I love her about four times a day.
I don't tell my sister I love her four times a day. Not even three or two or even once sometimes. It's weird in our family, we hardly ever say it. It comes out chokingly and unnatural. We do love each other. It's just known. But that doesn't make it ok to leave it out all the time. Especially when freak accidents happen and life tries to steal your only sister away. She was almost gone for good and I probably wouldn't have been able to tell you the last time I told her I loved her before that stupid Monday last February. Wow regrets and wow the sadness and the shame I feel right now, crying in my bedroom at 12:30. She has never been anything but infinitely kind and caring toward me, everything about charity is what she is and I get caught up in my stupid life and I want to go to BYU and I'll be away from her. I feel like I need to be here until I see her safe and sent off to... college or marriage or something. Even then I won't want to let go. Because how ungrateful am I, how selfish and stupid and so very stupid. Ouch this is hurting to see how at fault I am at this very second. And crying and blogging and regretting aren't going to get me anywhere. So I'm gonna go wash my ugly face and get to bed so I can wake up tomorrow before my family leaves and make sure they all know that I love them. Because when life is so inconsistent, there's really no time for sleeping in.
Thick as Concrete-Blooded Thieves
I think my collar bone's end is pointier than normal. Hey guess what? Pointier is a word.
I don't know. Commitments are hard. You know, when you feel like you're committed to something, or at least you know you should be, you feel responsible for something, you should follow through on things. This isn't making any sense.
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| See? Weird. |
Dilemma:
Cousin's Farewell VS Church Calling
Why I want to go to the Farewell:
1. It's Brady's farewell, it's kinda a big deal.
2. Road trip in the car with my family.
3. Good food and fun with cousin's/aunts/everyone after church.
4. I love spending time with my family. (Like in the car)
5. I want to be around my family.
6. I think I've been away from my family much much too often as of late.
Why I don't want to go to the Farewell:
1. Have to get up at 6 and drive for 3 hours.
2. Have to leave at 3 and drive for 3 more hours.
Why I want to go to my ward:
1. Jenn is getting confirmed. YESAAAAA!
2. Jodi (RS Secretary, near and dear to my soul) is having her last day at our ward and being released.
3. Ipso Facto, new girl is being called. Most likely.
4. I missed last Sunday due to an adventure I took.
5. I missed the last TWO RS Pres meetings, and one with the Bishop.
6. I'm being visit taught after church.
7. I miss Ashley.
8. I miss Sister Bro.
9. I feel like something big is going to happen tomorrow. I just felt that, right now. So... we'll see. Something big other than all the stuff I just listed.
Why I don't want to go to my ward:
1. The concrete-thick guilt of ditching out on family time.
2. The disappointment of not seeing my cousin speak.
So commitments. I realized I have a very strong tie/commitment to my family. I love them. I love being around them. It makes me sad when I realize I've been neglecting them, how much time I could have spent playing Just Dance II with Dallin, or talking to Macey, or dancing around like mad men with Gavin, or listening to Kody talk about ASU basketball, or MV basketball, or church basketball. Or helping Mom cook or watching football and talking life with Dad. I'm not around nearly enough. So when I pull a bummish teenager move and say I don't want to go (or that I can't) I get slammered (slathered, slammed, and hammered) with the guilt of choosing something else besides my family. Which I realized I hate doing. But I've been doing it so often. And even on break when I should have had so much time to be with them, I didn't, and now.... I miss them. Terribly. And they are all sleeping a few stairs and rooms away.
How has living at home become so lonely?
Commitments to callings and jobs and responsibilities. I love my calling. So very much do I love it. It's been an enormous blessing in my life, and it has made me become someone closer to the Lynzi that the Lord needs me to be. I love my ward. They are amazing and fun and inspired. Something like Zion. Or as close as a Singles Ward can get. :) Wait, excuse me, Young Single Adult Ward. There's no room for political correctness in this blog.
Anyway. Tough decision. It's been eating me up so I put it off. And here I realized that I have to stay home. I have to do my calling in this situation, I need to be here. Invisible force compelling me to stay. Something. I don't know. But it hurts because I miss those crazy people I'd be riding 6 hours in the car with. I feel they are already disappointed in me for being away so often. And here I'm doing it again.
This is a long blog post. And I want to read my book. But I'm a terrible decision maker a lot of the time. I'd like to fix that. Hmmm. Quest. Quiz/test. No, just a journey. To try and become more decisive. To know what I want and then do it.
AGH hard.
Friday, January 14, 2011
YOU FILL MY HEART WITH GLADNESS
WELL GUESS WHAT. I've been SPENDING MY LIFE IN PROVO FOR THE LAST sweek or so. best. ever. I'm gonna cry tomorrow when I leave. ( Can you tell I started this post the day before I left and then didn't finish it til today?) TOO MANY GOOD times up here. And you can tell I'm torn up inside because of the turrets of the capitalization. And this trip I promised myself I'd take pictures. And then I pulled out my camera twice this whole time. AGH cruds. but here are some that I did take.
Not featured in this album is a man named Justin, he's tall, and he loves to fry things. Seriously, every night I was there, fried potato burritos ( so so so spicy. cleared out my sinuses and digestive track. jk. tmi. I get it.) he fried oreos, he fried chicken, he fried ritz crackers with peanut butter in the middle. All in his Fry Daddy Elite. So funny. So him.
Also not featured here is a guy named Harrison. He's actually my age but lives with these guys, and Harrison has awesome red hair. He and I share a love for quoting Spongebob. Laughed for 10 minutes together about that show. He knows good entertainment.
But my favorite of all the guys in the whole apartment is
Provo was way fun. I was a gypsy and roamed around and always found myself surrounded by friends. Best winter break ever. I miss it. Miss him.
Ahhh life. Love it. Just love it. :)
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| I call this one, Smokestack Rock. Chimney Rock. Random Rock in the Middle of the Desert Rock. |
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| I call this one Gingerbread Cliffs of Dover with Powder Sugar |
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| I call this one.... Yes please. |
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| I want to be just like him when I grow up. |
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| This is the kayak that |
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| This guy (Will) rows around in. Boom. He sewed that jacket. Yeah I know. Cool. |
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| These are Stanton's rockin shoes. Too bad I didn't straight up get a picture of him, cuz he's awesome. In fact, here I'll send you to his blog. Too funn. http://busybeestanton.blogspot.com/ |
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| This is Tyler. Tyler is a great conversationalist. He's got great opinions and I love to discuss things with him. |
Also not featured here is a guy named Harrison. He's actually my age but lives with these guys, and Harrison has awesome red hair. He and I share a love for quoting Spongebob. Laughed for 10 minutes together about that show. He knows good entertainment.
But my favorite of all the guys in the whole apartment is
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| Him. This crazy guy. He's so great because he let's me make that face (and many other hideous faces) and still likes me anyway. |
Ahhh life. Love it. Just love it. :)
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