PROBLEM.
Last post I blogged about THE EXACT SAME TOPIC that has brought me to blogging again.
Help me.
I thought I had made up my mind. I've realized how stinkin' scared out of my brains I am to go to BYU. It's what I want to do, and yet my tummy gets nervous and I feel... seriously just straight up scared. I don't even know how to describe it. I want to know if it's the right decision though, I want to know that my excitement/nervousness is just for this pending adventure, and not because it's the wrong thing to do.
Remember when you were in elementary school and you had to use real home phones to call your friends? If you wanted to play, you had to call up your friend and hope they answered.
But also remember when your friend didn't pick up? You kept calling and calling, never leaving a message, but just calling, and you knew they were home, they should be home, so they should pick up, but they didn't. Remember the frustration? Remember the rejectedness?
"Why won't she answer, Mom?"
Why won't He answer, Mom?
Why do I not feel like I have an answer? I feel like I need a solid answer, and as I am typing, my stomach is cringing in fear that the answer is... no answer.
No answer?!
What does that even mean!? How could I possibly decide this all on my own?
I'm going to miss my family like crazy if I go.
I'm always going to wonder what if if I stay.
I'm gonna be able to do what I love if I go.
I will have extra money if I stay.
SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO!
*NO DON'T START SINGING THE SONG, THIS IS NO TIME FOR A SONG!
no time for a song. no time for thinking or anything because this is driving me nuts.
Listen. Everything is set up for me if I go to BYU. I took all the right classes this semester, I have some potential job options up there already, I have two places I could stay, and I have people here to help me make my DVD for my audition into the MDT program. I realized I love dancing. I love singing. I love performing.
So what am I waiting for?
What AM I waiting for?
What am I going to lose? A scholarship? Yeah well people pay for college all the time. I can do that.
What else? My family? People move away from their families all the time. I love them, but I can do that.
What ELSE? Security. It's a risk, but it's an adventure. I can do that.
What I need is a solid assurance that the Lord will back me up in this decision. Is it monumental? A little bit. It is a little bit monumental.
Monumental!
MENTAL. AGH! What if I decide to go and I mess everything up at ASU and then the answer is suddenly NO DONT GO.
No. It doesn't work like that. Does it? Even if it does, I have to have faith.
When Macey was in the hospital I had an elephant load of faith. 20 elephant loads of faith.
This faith is different. I am stepping off the side of a cliff and it is scaring me. It would be such a hard and long fall.
But He'll catch me. That I know for sure.
I don't know what will be asked of me. But if I go, no matter what happens, He'll be there to catch me.
He always does, He always will.
Agh life. Yay.
