Thursday, July 28, 2011

Despicable Me

I just read an article about being vulnerable and showing people who you are, and how it can enrich your life.

HA! I laughed at that! I just read it and thought, yep. I know all of this.

Because I had to make a decision years ago about how I was gonna live my life.

When things stress me out, I get rid of them. When I was a little seventh grader I realized "image" stressed me out. And so I made a conscious decision to be O.K. with who I was. And it wasn't something that changed overnight. It took a while. It took determination, branching out, consciously dealing with embarrassment, and a lot of pretending not to care.

The more I put myself out there, landed myself in awkward situations, and swam around in the aftermath, the more comfortable I became in my own pale-white skin. It was a mental exertion, I had to purposely think to myself, yes. My face is getting red right now. Don't run away. Don't be embarrassed about being embarrassed. It's OK. It's funny. Smile.

And then, after months and years and YEARS of practice, I finally found myself really just content. I had finally whittled away all of the pretension that naturally cakes our personalities. It was a raw me, one that everyone could see, and everyone could see right through me. And I was OK with that, so long as I knew my motives were right. I felt, that as long as I knew everything I did was good and right and true to my own personality, I would never have anything to hide from anyone.

Right?

Well, now I am who I am. I know there are people who think I am full of myself. That's OK, because I probably seem that way to them. And who am I to disagree with their perception on the world? And what would I say? "No, I totes am not stuck up, you're stuck up, you big, stuck up idiot!!"
Haha, I think that sometimes people confuse confidence with pride. And I know I am not proud, I am very aware of my faults, the confidence comes from being able to let people see those faults. That's not pride, that's honesty. I can be confident in my faults because I am wanting to improve on them. We run into trouble when we try to justify. Mostly I've had to work on saying "Yes, OK." Instead of, "Yeah I know but..." No justification. Just accept it, let the statement lie as it may, and then work on it. Boom! Easiest recipe to make yourself eat some humble pie. It doesn't always taste the best, but lemme tell you, it's so worth it in the end. It helps to build your confidence muscles. It tones your mental body. It's great.

Cool thing is, is that you never stop working on it. Always there is more to be comfortable with, there is more to fix about yourself. It's a refining process, and the end results, I hear, are perfect.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Watching Airplanes

Every New Year's Eve I get really sad. Something about saying goodbye to a year makes me upset. I mean, who knows how many times I sat and wrote "2010" on papers and things. It's personal, the year I live in. And knowing that there never will be a 2010 ever again makes me sad. It's just gone. I guess I get sad when things are gone.

What about periods of your life? Like actual times, instead of dates, experiences, instead of seconds? The things that can't be quantitively measured. "High school," not as the years 2007-2010, but as the time when I learned I could sing. "College," as the time when I discovered independence, learned to love, made new friends. I realized, that if you measure life by these experiences, you never lose them. 2010 ended, 2011 will, too. But because experiences define who you are, they never really leave you.

I think that's why it's hard to let people go. When they are so much a part of your life for so long, and suddenly their physical presence is taken from you, you are left with the half that haunts, the half that lingers in your brain and in your heart. That's hard to deal with. So how do we?

I know what I do.

Hopefully I would never actually associate with someone who pairs hot pink with red, but this is an accurate, and figurative, representation of what I do.
I kick people out.
Gone.
Boom.
See ya.
Peacey-P.

...It's terrible. I know that this makes me seem like a jerk to people. I know it does. But I'm terrible at holding on to people who are away from me.
And then there was one time that I didn't kick someone out. And that memory literally STUCK in my brain and has subconsciously HAUNTED me ever since.
Most annoying thing ever.
And if they come back, it's just like it used to be. But different. Like coming home and another family has been living in your house. Everything's the same, but it doesn't smell like your house. It smells like DIFFERENT. Not bad. JUST NOT THE SAME.
But what if it smelled like that other family for forever? Would it bug you? Would you hate it?
Would you get used to it?
Would you even start to attribute it to home?

Would you be ok?
Yes, probably. But do you want to?
You have a choice! You have lots of choices!
Lysol, Febreeze, PLUG IT IN PLUG IT IN!


mmm apple cinnamon
Or you could leave. Relationships stink like other people's houses sometimes. That's hard to deal with. Especially for me. Because I notice smells. And not like my house smells like the best thing ever, but change is difficult.
Leaving years is difficult. BEING ATTATCHED IS DIFFICULT!
Welcome to real life, Lynz. Yep.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Windows to the Soul

So I wore my retainers to work.

yuck
I tried wearing them last night and I woke up with only the top one in.

....I reached around on my bed and the bottom one was laying on my blanket to my right. Ha. I hate those things, even in my sleep. Once I found both of them on the other side of the room. I had chucked them across the room without remembering it. Not a good thing to do, Lynz.

I want to talk about commitment and confidence today. I want to talk about opinions and how they can change. And I want to talk about loving someone. Let's see if I can keep this concise.

First, look at this.


"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. 'Cast not away therefore your confidence.' Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you." -Elder Holland
 
But I want to draw your attention away from this applying to my BYU decision. Because enough of that. But there are other things that take commitment in this life. Like, living a righteous life, school work, or maybe deciding to be in a relationship. YES DECIDING TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Because this is what happens:
 
Everything is lovey-dovey happy for a while. Statistics say about 3 months. And then, after that, you've started to learn what there is to learn about this person. Sometimes you hit a brick wall and really doubt if you like this person anymore. I'd call it a hump. And if you can get over the hump, you're golden. You come out of the slump hump realizing you really do care about this person and you value their friendship. BUT. If you don't commit to getting through the hump (like lots of people do) you break up and there goes that one, swirling and screaming down the toilet. But too many people just give up and think, oh, I just didn't like this person as much as I thought I did. Alright. PEACE!
And that's sad. Because things can be worked through. If you're finding your relationship coming to that point, take courage. This is the next step in your dating life. Do you think you can love this person? Can you just be sitting next to each other, reading seperate books, and be perfectly content? Can you go grocery shopping together, do you like to dance in the kitchen together, or take bike rides around the neighborhood? Can you sit outside on the sidewalk and talk until 5 in the morning? Well? Can you?
If you don't know the answer, you gotta find out! Do real life things with this person! Go somewhere with them! Problem solve! Live! It's so great! When you get to this point, it really feels amazing. It's comfortable, that's what it is. And this is the time when you learn to love.

Because loving someone is more than just being so so very attracted to them. That's part of it, but there's got to be stability that comes from trusting them to help and be there for you. Also.
Loving someone is dismissing the fact that there may be another better for you.
I've been trying to refine that quote, because it came from my own head! Believe that!
But when you hit the hump, don't look for other options until you've just tried your hardest to make it work. If you ever felt you loved them then, you probably still do. But you're dealing with growing pains, and everyone does. Don't dismay!

Also. Last thing cuz I know this is long.
I had a couple of experiences that struck me, and were impossible to describe. And for me, that's unheard of. I can explain almost anything. But not this. I was trying to explain the feeling I got when I locked eyes with a certain someone. (Name undisclosed for the time being) Then I was talking to Macey. And finally I struck something. And I think it's an insight into what love is.
"It's almost like looking at myself.  I see my own eyes and know exactly what is going on behind them."
Weird.

So I don't know, I only have limited experience with this stuff. But man, it's been a ride. Lemme tell ya.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Crunch Wrap Supreme This Up

Time to finalize the thing that has driven this blog for quite some time.

I will be attending BYU Provo come Fall 2011. Really. Truly. I got rid of my financial aid to ASU. I dropped all my classes. It's official. It's scary. It's THE BEST.

I really had the hardest time of my life making that decision. And for the last time I had to realize that it was my choice, and I would be supported no matter what I chose. So I looked at my life, looked at my goals, looked at what I wanted, and saw I was done with mediocre, done with 2nd best. And in my mind, that's what I had settled for. So here it is and here am I.
This is me



Cool, huh? I realize I probably will have no school spirit whatsoever. Or maybe only a little. I realized durning high school it hurts too much to care about sports because I get really competitive if I even care a little. But that might change when I first step into the Cougs Stadium. So chill.


Also. Oh, never mind. I don't have anything interesting to say. Woot!

In Love

If I could be more in love with this song, I would.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcLUYr2nkCc

Honestly? I'm obsessed. But that's not the song for today. We're going a little pop-y. Sorry. No. Not sorry. Just love it.

Fallin’ For You by Colbie Caillat
I don’t know but
I think I maybe
Fallin’ for you
Dropping so quickly
Maybe I should
Keep this to myself
Waiting ’til I
Know you better
I am trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
As I’m standing here
And you hold my hand
Pull me towards you
And we start to dance
All around us
I see nobody
Here in silence
It’s just you and me
I’m trying
Not to tell you
But I want to
I’m scared of what you’ll say
So I’m hiding what I’m feeling
But I’m tired of
Holding this inside my head
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
Oh I just can’t take it
My heart is racing
The emotions keep spinning out
I’ve been spending all my time
Just thinking about ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’ve been waiting all my life
and now I found ya
I don’t know what to do
I think I’m fallin’ for you
I’m fallin’ for you
I can’t stop thinking about it
I want you all around me
And now I just can’t hide it
I think I’m fallin’ for you (x2)
I’m fallin’ for you
Ooohhh
Oh no no
Oooooohhh
Oh I’m fallin’ for you

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

19

I decided I will post a song for every day I blog. Two seperate posts. I'm becoming blog-literate. No. Wrong word. I'm becoming... blog active. yep. Active.
Today's song is

23 by Arizona's very own Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Also I have an iGoogle page that I'm on all day at work, and I have a gadget that gives me quotes. I like this one a bunch.

"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right."
-Isaac Asimov

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

ROBSESSION

I'd like to take this time to express how very much I am craving california.
haha, band name.
Anyway. Seriously though, I can't stand it. Rachel and I have been chatting for ours about it the last few days. (Also insert a very grateful THANK YOU to gmail chat for saving our lives)

So here is my longing on paper. Well. Digital paper.

killing me softly
yes yes yes

CALIFORNIA, CALIFORNIA
HERE WE COME!!!!

but not really because well... yeah it's just dreaming out loud. that's what this is. HUGE SIGH!
ayayay

Adelishious

Whats my problem? All I think about is songs, I guess.


"One And Only" -Adele

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name, will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've earned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Quiz

Is it bad to blog more than once a day? I feel like it's taboo...

I like this song. Minus the more lude parts of the song. is that even how you spell lude? "loude" no that doesn't look right either. Welp you get my drift.

The Quiz by The Saferide

You look nice alright
And I like the way you nod after everything I say
Like it actually means something to you

And I like your record collection
Townes and Jens with a hint of Rickie Lee
And you've cleaned up the bathroom, made a really nice soup
but a bit too much sci-fi in your shelf with DVD's

But there are things you need to know about me
I'm weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
So I've prepared a quiz for you

Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
Is your IQ higher than your neighbours?
And is it very much higher than mine ?

Can you sleep when I grind my teeth?
Do you look away if I slob when I eat?
Will you let me be myself?
Can you at all times wear socks? Because I'm still scared of feet

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?

Do you talk in the middle of Seinfeld?
Do you read more than two books a month?
Do you get racist or sexist when you've had a few? (LUDE)
Is it fine if I make more money than you?

Have you slept with any people I work with? (LUDE)
Is there anyone you'd rather wish I'd be?
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends?
Are they prettier than me?

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?

I like it because it's just like when you start a new relationship, you need to know all these things, but mostly it comes down to if you fall, will he pick you up? You know? :)

Bone To Pick

Alright, I've got something on my mind that is slightly buggin.

Before I posted about how many of my friends were engaged/married, and there was a solid handful. Now I can add much more to the list, and a lot of the girls are closer to my age, it's really cool, exciting even. My good friend Karli posted something on facebook about how many of her own friends had been engaged in the last couple of weeks. I read her post, smiled and agreed that this is crazy! but also awesome. And so I followed the post down and read some of the comments. One was posted by one of my friends from highschool.

"Too many, too soon."

I was offended by that. When people look down upon the LDS culture for getting married quickly, or young, it just pushes my annoyed button. (Located on my left shoulder)

People can get married if they want to! In fact, DO! DO GET MARRIED! And do it with a happy heart and a faithful perspective. If they feel right about it, fine. Let them. Don't look down on them. Because chances are they will raise a more successful family that any nay-sayers will, because they, hopefully, base their life and marriage on the gospel and not their own selfish desires.
I think it's incredibly near-sighted when people base their opinions off of their own small perspective. So what if you are a college student loving the single life and not planning to marry til youre 25,26,27? K cool. Cool for you. But when people are happy together, let them be happy together. Let them marry and make their love official by BEING MARRIED!
It's important, it's special, it's fun, it's hard. Whatever, if you want to, pray about it, do it. It's great, or so I hear.:)

That is all.