here is my life. look at it.

macey and myself will compile sentences at random to make a lovely story. (read in an accent of your choosing) GO! (macey first)(there are asterisks between what we write) Once upon a lovely time, there lived......* a man named DARWIN.* He wasn't the smartest of persons in Asia (hence his WEEEIRD name).* are you saying asians are weird? ANNIE TURN AWAY!! DONT READ THIS!!* I didn't say that all Asians are weird. Just this Darwin fellow. (BRIAN FELLOW???)* Anyway. darwin felt that his mother was an unruly beast. which she was.* Anybody could tell if they were within a twenty mile radius.* or 40 kilometers (check my calculations, i have a feeling they might be off)* Yeah, let's not do math. It's summer. * not in australia. anyway. annie you can come back now.* We stopped talking about Asians a long time ago, and we all agree that this Darwin was the weirdest. Anywho.....* he decided to read his mom an edgar allen POPE story.* Ooooo scary........* where the mask of the red dress over takes the POPE! and makes him embarrassed!* And then, it started raining gumballs (Weston-type-of-"WHAT???")* oh. isnt it westin? who cares. not i said the fox!* Not I, cried the lion. And the tiger. And the bear. OH MY!* YZMA! PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!* ..."I'll put that box inside another box, and I'll mail that box to myself. And when it arrives-AH HA HA HA HA- I'll smash it with a hamma!"* "what a lovely story," said the POPE! "but now i must change out of this embarrassing red dress."* Oh dear. Well, Darwin's mother (tending to hate absolutely everything) hated the story. She ripped it to pieces. Darwin sobbed.* and so his mom kicked him in his asian patooski. "quiet child, you'll wake up the silk worms!"* And the silk worms, having sleep panic disorder, all woke yelling that they were innocent (WHICH THEY CERTAINLY WERE NOT!).* darwin took his sorry bottom and ran to the nearest communist bookstore. where all the books were reasonably priced.* He decided to buy "Rainbow Alligator Saves the Wetlands." Perhaps his mother would like it. Maybe. Sort of. No.* she said "thats right sorry bottomed story teller take it back! i need that money to buy some more reasonably priced beers. root. beers. rootbeers. uhum. yeah. cuz i've been dry for a week. yeah."* And Darwin exclaimed, "THAT'S A LIE! I'll swim all the way back to England if that's the truth!"* and so his unruly beast of a mother took the money and sniffed it. it smelled like. money.* Ducky? "You smell me?!?"* BIG big BIG big WAtERsss (sss's added for effect)* And the truth was that Darwin's beastly mother had been dry for a week. Back to England, ol' chap.* which was fitting. because darwin is mostly an english name. mostly. confession time. darwin was not an asian. he was. hawaiian. oops. my bad* WHAT?!?!? YOU....lied to me????* it happens every day you bipolar jerk now get outta my face!* I wasn't talkin' to you, I was talkin' to the cow!* right. sure you were. now as i was saying the tarantula sheds its...* Said the cow, "I will invite someone to my tea party. Meet my friend, the professional mouse eater from Japan."* now we will break for a brief intermission. (dinner) ........................................................................ Le diner is fineeshed, which was pasta putnesca (spelling????). Ha, not really, twas pizza. The Swedish term for bread that is cooked with sauce and cheese on top of it. Tasty. This is a long one.* yeah too long. i hereby fire your sorry bottom from this writing committee. unless you can grovel your way outta the gravel pit in three seconds. go.* I can do it in two seconds flat, and why is it always MY sorry bottom? What about your's???* my bottom never apologizes!!* Thus, my bottom is betta. :D* at church. oooooooooooooohh!* I did not just get bucked off. Oh no you did-nt. Uhh ya.* my sister is OCD. about caps and periods. watch this'll drive her mad. hey my name is lynzi i live in arizona i love all these ponies and horsies shetland ponies which is a crazy almost bad word name who came up with that name the POPE maybe and so im not capitalizing anything else what do you say to that missus ODC (oops) sister of mine! oops i just went to long. must fire my own non-apologizing bottom. BLUE NO YELLLOOOOOWWWW!* Jeez that was way too long. TOO long.* thats why im fired you idiocrat from missouri.* Well you're a democrat from Mississippi.* AGH YOU DIDNT JUST CALL ME A DEMOCRAT!* I did, but it wasn't so serious. Wow. Look how long this post is. Happy.* happy OVER! bye.* and so concludes our play. welcome to my life folks. hope you enjoyed your stay.* haha i can forget the asteriks now.* i cant* uht oh*

Why do scorpions think they're boss?

ok so scorpions are idiots. the ones that live around here, at least. they are anywhere from 5 cm to 5 inches (metric to standard???) and they crawl around, outside, inside, upside downside and into bathrooms and beds and desks at elementary schools. and then they have the gall to go and sting the people they encounter. FOR NO REASON! scorpions must be stupid, cuz if they didnt sting anyone, we wouldnt kill them. do most people kill geckos? no. only if they are sadistic gecko killers. in which case, we have geckos to spare, so please continue. just not at my house. cuz geckos eat scorpions. how does that work? it must be a "preying on the babies" type of thing. because no way is a little pink and fleshy gecko gonna take down a monster scopion with a gold-plated back. so back to scorpions. i found one in my bathroom the other day. i was walking in i do a semi turn and there it was. all pompus and stupid. sitting on my wall and probably looking at me. and my eyes got as big as a cow's and i booked it upstairs to call in the marines (which is my dad). humiliating because i am notorious in my own mind for killing bugs of all sorts and not needing help. call me orkin. but anyway he comes down and smashes it off the wall, and this thing isnt dying. literally my dad hit it with a fatty shoe over and over and over, the thing had the stamina of a cockroach. (which i kill). it finally dies and goes in the trash so guess what? i go into my room, check a pair of tennis shoes for scorpions, put them on, and procede to clean up my room. all the clothes go bye bye. well into the closet at least. now back to scorpions. my aunt got stung THREE TIMES! on her back by one that was 4 1/2 inches long. and the gross thing is that it was under her clothes. why did it go in there?! but why would a scorpion think, hey. here's a big square soft platform with big sheets all over it. i think ill climb up it. and hey, theres an opening in this human's clothing. i think ill go inside it. and hey. she's irritating me. ima sting this lady thrice!!! NO! so stupid! why? just stay outside in the desert, you were made for the desert and the dirt just STAY THERE YOU INCOMPETANT GOLD PLATED SOLDIERS! can you tell im frustrated? but what is really going through my mind at this very moment is the fact that scorpions prolly aren't stupid, they probably can even read. they probably own blogs. or can read thoughts at least. im deathly afraid they will come and get me in my sleep. so let me add this disclaimer. scorpions are cool. i hope that works.

Its not just gross stuff in a can

ok so i decided spam mail scares me. its all the stuff that my email account friend cant recognize. so that mail gets sent to spam. and periodically i check the spam box to see what gets stuffed in there. and then i see one that says "from: me" me? and it said confirmation code "0377458 (something or other)" in the little sneak peek bar so im like, did i sign up for something? so i click it and im just looking at it and i see "from: Oscar (something).." what? oscar? so then i see near the top, my little email account helper friend had written, "it is likey that this email did not come from your account." WHO IS TRICKING MY COMPUTER INTO THINKING THAT OSCAR IS ME?! why do people do that? is there some kinda virus in my computer now cuz i looked at it? ahhh i shoulda known it was bad cuz the friend put it in spam! why didnt i listen? i dont think there is anything really wrong with my computer. but seriously, who is trying to make me think they're me? and why? and how does account friend know spam is spam? i dunno. but i think i will always trust his judgement from now on. trust in the computer. he will protect you from outside evils like the so called oscar.

Finding Nemo

I set out to look for this jake man, the roommate of the ted man. if i could just interrogate him for a while i might be able to find ted more quickly. so i went to the closest apartment i could find and started knocking doors. after only three doors, a scruffy smelly slimy man answers. a hobo. i must be at the right place. so i let myself in and yelled, JAKE!? JAAAKKEE!?!? and jake emerged from the bedroom to the left. he was wearing a blue shirt. "what do you want, little girl?" um i didnt know what to say. so i said "where's the broken fridge?" "this way," he said. he took me to the fridge, and boy was it ever broken. it kinda looked like someone had placed a stick of dynamite inside and KASPODED it. the gaping hole was still smoking. i turned to jake and confided that i had never seen such a broken fridge before. i continued to inspect it and jake said, "so are you gonna fix it or not?" "i'm not here to fix the fridge, you llama lover, im here to find ted." "oh." so he left. stupid. the hobo kept trying to steal my watch and i had had enough. "goodbye hobo." and i left. but this short stop was not futile by any means. i took a sock of ted's so discreetly while i was walking out. i know. im good. nancy drew status almost. and i decided to use this sock to track ted's scent. and it was a strong scent. kinda like, lavenders blue, dilly dilly. lavenders blue.

The Adventure Begins

it was a dark and stormy night. like nights normally are in these kinds of stories. the wind was howling, my stomach growling, and everywhere you looked there were people scurrying like ants to get home. now. i didnt tell anyone i had gone. i just walked out the front door, took my longboard and went wherever the wind blew me. and thats when it happened. i was running across the street carrying longboardy under my arm (thats the safest way, mom says) and a piece of paper smacked me right in my face. i thought that only happened in movies. furious at the smashed tree pulp i stomped the last few yards over to the curb and sat down. i looked at the paper, and it looked back at me. at least the words did. and this is what it said:.................................................................................. "Dear Jake, last night i found something out. something that is probably going to change my life forever. ........ i... broke my refridgerator. well, its your refridgerator. cuz we live in the same apartment. youre my roommate. anyway. i cant pay you to fix it. so i gave my room to a hobo and im running away. im not telling anyone where im going. i walked out the front door and i took my longboard, and im letting the wind guide me to my next destination. try not to displease the hobo. he might hurt you. All my love, Ted"........................................................ immediately i felt a connection with this "ted." our handwriting was so similar! and this was especially strange because ted was a guy, i was (am) a girl. never before had i seen someone scrawl like i did. and so i decided that i must go off and find the alledged ted. and i must start by finding Jake. how hard could it be? and the adventure began. and not a moment too late.